When you are first starting out, either as a young witch by age or by curiosity, you get so wrapped up in the idea of moving energy, casting spells, and making things happen; that when the excitement wears off, it feels like you’ve gone from the honeymoon phase to the real, hard part of the marriage. It was during the 90s and early 2000s for me when I first started, back when the internet first grew big, and stories of witches and wizards going to school were all the rage. I felt so caught up in all the magickal hype, that when I decided I wanted to explore the religion behind the magick, I dove feet first. I drew symbols and sigils on pieces of paper and taped them on the back of my door for protection, I placed rocks in water to have them soak up moon and sun rays, ( I still get teased from my parents about how I used to ‘grow’ rocks) and I went out of my way to get into every form of magick I could get my hands on.
About 3 or so years into my path, I started to feel super disconnected.( I was also still in middle school at the time, so I also blame puberty and general life challenges, too). I think I was just coming off of the high of doing spells on the full moon, reading all the books, and trying all the new things. Looking back, I realize that I have had several situations were I have fell into a pit of disconnection with my path. There was even a time in my life when I thought about giving up being Wiccan all together and just being a witch, or not even doing that at all! I had different people encourage me to drop religion and just say, spirituality, but because I have studied religions for so long, I couldn’t do that. I know for a fact that being religious helps a lot of people get back up on their feet. I am not saying that just being spiritual wouldn’t do that either, but I feel like a lot of times, when you are just being spiritual, it is because you have already gotten back up from your pit.
In this pit, you feel like you should question everything all over again. Should I even read this book? Why do I have to practice under a full moon on Monday at 9pm? What exactly does -Samhain- even mean and why should I care? Are the Gods even listening?! I do have mild depression and severe anxiety, which I feel like don’t help my situations.
Though, every time I end up in these pitfalls, I somehow get back up stronger then I went in. I start to think about all the great things I have done in my life with magick, and all the friends I have made, and the spiritual journey I have taken upon myself. I end up grabbing a beginner’s book again and realize one thing; I am always learning, always growing, always changing. I haven’t fallen into a magickal pit in over 4 years now, and things have been looking strong on the horizon. I am writing a lot more, doing simple spells, and making things less complicated for myself. Who said magick had to be complex?
Working with magick is like a marriage. It takes a lot of work, a lot of your time, and it might even feel like something you want to stop doing for a while. But, you end up realizing that your relationship with yourself and how you view the world is always moving and growing. I love my path, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I might not feel the rush of a spell done at midnight on a full moon on a Tuesday, mostly because I’m in bed by 9 or 10 pm, usually.
I don’t hang sigils or pentacles behind my door anymore, and I don’t place rocks or crystals in bowls of water. Instead, I work on an amino app as an admin, I write about my experiences as a witch, and I feel proud when people acknowledge my hard work and accomplishments. If you feel you are in a pit of disconnect, or just question your path as a witch or a pagan, my advice is to go back to the beginning. What made you want to go down this road in the first place? For me, it was a chance to make a difference in this world and to grow into someone who could help people. Don’t worry if you end up falling. Look up at the sky, and take a deep breath. Then start to climb back up.