I first blogged about a woman that I called Anna, on May 10, 2019. I learned a lot about myself back then. But not nearly as much as I have learned recently. Again, with help and guidance from Hekate, and of course Anna. You can read about the first lesson here.
Anna and I did stay in touch with each other, although erratically, over that time. I never did forget her or what I did learn. What I learned back then was nothing like I was about to learn. She not only stayed a friend, but became one of the most important mentors I ever have had in my life. You can read about my other mentors here.
On the Spring Solstice, Ostara, this year Anna again connected with me. Again, based on what I learned from her before, I knew I needed to delve deeper into what it meant for me to be with another woman. And I learned a lot more than what I had expected. A lot more.
As a post-operative transwoman my perception of being with a lesbian was not exactly what reality was, and is. I thought that just because I had already had surgery I would be totally acceptable to any lesbian. One thing that became very clear in our conversations, some pretty heated, was that I was wrong with that perception.
I really had, and have, no idea of what it’s really like to be a natal woman. And the reverse is also quite true. Just because I totally identify and live as a woman doesn’t mean that I, and other transwomen like me, can understand that one simple truth.
As transwomen we can take all of our feminizing hormones, and get surgeries, or not, but we will never, ever, experience what it’s like to be a natal woman. And the reverse is true. Natal women will never, ever experience what it’s like to be male. Including transmen. Again, period.
Years ago, before I had my reassignment surgery, I met another lesbian, Karen, who was to become my first lesbian mentor. Let’s call it Lesbianism 101. We did have a few things in common, mostly our spiritual beliefs. She was a published author, and we connected because of that, as well as our love for the natural world.
We talked a lot about ourselves as we got to know each other a little better. I thought that was a good lesson, and I am glad we did, as it has helped me ever since. The more we know about what our shared realities are the better.
One thing that was apparent right from the beginning of our talks was that a lesbian doesn’t want to be with any transwoman who hasn’t had reassignment surgery. Period. No matter how many of us transwomen identify as a lesbian, a relationship with a natal woman lesbian is unlikely to happen. That’s the reality part. I agreed with that back then, and I still do.
As Karen and I talked over many times, she told me that in her opinion, I was about 80% female in my attitude, presentation, and demeanor. But…there still was, and I know now, is that other 20%. Male. Even though I know that I have “skin in the game” – well…lack thereof (lol), there is still some male energy and attitude that shows through from time to time. And it can be quite obvious to any woman.
That was true back then, and what I was to realize and learn from Anna this second time around is that it’s totally true now. There will always be the part of me that was born and observed male at birth. Even though I “knew” at age five that I was not a boy, but a girl. I was brought up as a male. With male privileges. Part of that is bred into us, no matter our identity or sexual preferences. Period.
When I first started the medical part of my transition, years ago, there was a lot more respect in our trans community. Towards each other, and to natal women, including of course lesbians. Lately it seems to be changing toward a much more sinister attitude.
With a younger group of transwomen who haven’t had surgery. I’m not putting everyone into that generalized category, but a few transwomen that I’ve seen in disturbing videos. Young trans activists disturbing natal women at peaceful rallies. Tearing up signs, and getting right in the peaceful female protesters’ faces.
Like I said earlier in this article, just because a transwoman identifies as a woman doesn’t mean other people identify a transwoman as a woman. It’s been happening more frequently now than ever. Including lesbian dating sites. I think it’s wrong and shows an obvious lack of respect. Lesbians do not want non-post-operative transwomen to be intimate with. Period.
We as human beings, no matter our gender, gender identity or sexual persuasion, need to have a lot more respect, compassion and love for each other in this crazy world we live in now. And in the times to come. Forever.
I know now, that in order for me to live with and love any woman, lesbians included, I need to have a lot less male energy and attitude towards them. I am fortunate that I have a lot less of that since my surgery, but I do, and will always, have some.
That doesn’t mean I will give up trying to have an intimate relationship, but it probably won’t happen unless I realize what I have learned from Anna, and apply it in the future.
Every night I do my devotional to my Goddess Hekate. She has over 200 epithets, but I have been using only 7 of them consistently. For many years. Lyco – she wolf; Brimo – angry one, bringer of storms; Trimorphos – triple sided, triple Goddess; Kleidoukhos – key holder; Pammetor – mother of all; Lampadios – torch bearer; and last but definitely not least, Erototokos – bearer of dreams and love.
Even though I won’t be with Anna the way I may want to be, Hekate has shown me that I need to learn not only from Her, but from Anna as well. And I think I have, and will continue to do so. I have never dreamed about any singular epithets about Hekate. Until a couple nights ago.
I rarely remember some of my nightly dreams unless they wake me up. The epithet Erototokos was told to me in a deep sleep state a few nights ago. It didn’t wake me up, but I remembered it being said three separate times. I believe it was for me to always remember the three women I’ve never been intimate with. One crossed over when she was 19 years old. I’ll leave it at that.
I know that no matter what happens I will remain friends with Anna. And hopefully get to go hiking with her again! Anna, you’re the best mentor and friend that I, a transwoman like me, could have ever asked for. I sincerely appreciate all of our talks and texts that we had. And may have again. At least that this transwoman hopes for. Many blessings to you, and in the times to come from the bottom of my heart.
Will Hekate bring me those dreams of love? And will it end in a life-long relationship with a lesbian? Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. With Hekate’s help, and what I’ve learned from Anna, it just might…somewhere…sometime…in the future!
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