So Heavy

So Heavy June 30, 2017
shesaved“I have no idea why you’re so upset,” my dad scoffed.

We were in the store and I held up a pillow that I liked only for my dad to make a scrunchy face. Why I even wanted his validation on a silly sofa pillow was ridiculous in itself, but his eh face turned my mood sour and sad. I honestly didn’t know why I was so upset either, until I recalled the upcoming date and knew it had nothing to do with a pillow.

“We will have parties, and friends over, and I’ll cook and bake and…,” my 20 year old wedded self excitedly twirled around in the small bungalow home that was mine and my new husband’s.

“We’ll make 4th of July our day,” he smiled. “A pool, a bonfire, good food, and friends.”

It became our traditional weekend of a house full of friends. When the babies were born, our friends took turns holding, feeding, and rocking the kids while we barbecued and dished out delicious homemade desserts.

“You should have a catering business,” my mom used to say. “Or event planning. You are good at this.”

I loved doing it, but it wasn’t the food or the fun, it was the feeling of being surrounded by the love of friends and family. Until it all came crashing down at one of the 4th of July parties that held so many fond memories. After the divorce I tried to continue them, but they didn’t feel the same. My heart wanted to erase all of it from memory. It was just too heavy to hold on to and yet that is what I was doing.

Re-married for many years, Chuck is well aware of the scars from the past. He has them too, just like we all do in varying degrees. This year with the new home I thought maybe I’d try to have a get together and put out some informal invitations only to be met with lukewarm responses. During my meditation today I heard my guides telling me to move on, move forward, and keep going, but to set down the hurt. It wasn’t the history, the date, or the person. My heart was like a tree weighed down from the storm’s rage that threatened to break the branches. I had to shake the tears so that my spirit could rise.

A heavy heart is easily hidden, but a hardened heart is easily seen. On this 4th of July weekend, my wish for you is that you too can find a way to set down all the heaviness in your life so that you can find your freedom.

Kristy Robinett

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