An Open Letter to Jesse Duplantis

An Open Letter to Jesse Duplantis May 31, 2018
Courtesy of Pixabay


C’mon, man! For real? You need another jet? One that costs $54 million? That’s a lot of cheddar, homeboy.

Do you know what you could do with $54 million? I don’t, but I’m pretty sure a lot of homeless folks could be fed for a long time with that kind of cash. I’m pretty sure that kind of #ballastatus-money could go a long way in Gaza, or in sub-Saharan Africa. I’m pretty sure a good deal of suffering Syrians could be aided. But again, I haven’t run the numbers. I’m just guessing. Maybe I’ll ask the Preemptive Love Coalition. They might know.

Oh, I know, I know, you need that fourth private jet to preach the so-called gospel of prosperity [sic]. You need to go save souls or some shit (something I thought Jesus did roughly 2,000 years ago). And what better way to do that than with a Dassault Falcon 7X? But did you know there is an 8X? Why settle for the outdated version? Step up your game, son! And always remember, what would Creflo do? #WWCD

Look, I’m not necessarily against a preacher-man having money. And I’m not gonna judge folks who do—I know I’m pretty much over living paycheck to paycheck. But have you even read the New Testament? The Acts of the Apostles? Studied the life of Jesus of Nazareth? These dudes weren’t exactly rollin’ deep like some of you hucksters are.

Now, I know you said that “if Jesus was physically on the Earth today, he wouldn’t be riding a donkey,” but I say unto you “don’t make me laugh.” I mean, it’s not like Jesus ever rode a donkey. And it’s not like the Jews had any prophecy about such a thing (Zechariah 9, cough, cough). What sort of poor, pathetic losers would be caught dead doing such a thing? (Pun intended)

But at the end of the day, you do you boo. If you are convinced in your heart that you need such a bombastic and extravagant flying machine, then go for it. Just remember Jesus’ words in Mark 10:25: “It is easier for a Dassault Falcon 7X to fly through the eye of a needle than for a prosperity preacher to enter the kingdom of God.” I think that’s how that verse goes, anyway. I just can’t remember which translation it is.

As for me, I’ll continue to fly coach. I know I’m going to be surrounded by demons, just like you said back in ’15, but I’ll take the risk. If our boy Jesus could handle confronting demons, I’m sure I can. He’s got our back, if you recall.

Good luck with your endeavor. I’m sure the sandal-wearing, donkey-riding, poor-embracing, wealthy-warning, itinerant preacher from Nazareth is giving you two-thumbs up from high above. Go get ‘em!

Yours in Christ,

Matt “Stuck in Coach” Distefano


PS: If you want to donate some of that green you’ve got, please become a monthly supporter on Patreon. Every dollar helps toward getting my broke ass from coach to first-class.

Matthew J. Distefano is the author of 4 books and co-host of the Heretic Happy Hour podcast. You can read more about the author here.
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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Kevin K

    Religion is the best grift, because the product it’s selling can only be delivered after you’re dead. And by then, it’s too late to realize you’ve been conned.

  • kcwookie

    The Church stopped being about the poor about as quick as Jesus died, or at least Rome needed new gods. Religion is about faith; the church is about money. While this clown is deplorable, he’s not abnormal. Go to the local church bookstore and look what’s on the shelf. You will find the latest book on building a Mega Church, and all these years I didn’t understand that they were Trump’s churches just waiting for the prodigal son to be elected by God. Lot’s of pastors dream of preaching to thousands, and think of all that money they can use to serve god’s kingdom.

    After that, drive your community and look at the new church buildings, aren’t they beautiful. Look at the names of the churches you pass, some of them will start to ring a bell; where there is money, there will be corporations and other financial schemes. One of the corporate churches in my community just finished building a multi-million dollar expansion. The Church is quickly becoming a corporate enterprise. The Walmart of religion is underway.

    The concept of people gathering together to worship is long dead and replaced with a corporate, tax-free, get rich quick, bunch of hucksters. American Christianity is God based, they collect all the money they can and then throw it up in the air and let God take all he wants, after that, it’s theirs.

  • The Mouse Avenger

    Hey, now, that’s not very nice. 🙁

  • Kevin K

    It is, however, accurate. Look at all of the TV informercial hosts “evangelists. The majority of what they do is mumble some platitudes, stroke your ego, and then ask for money. They have Rolex watches and $1000 suits and mansions galore. And at the end of the day, the only thing they’re selling is vague promises.

  • Tim

    People like Duplantis make me ill. Whatever happened to, “You cannot serve God and mammon?”

    People like him are total hypocrites.