Coming Out

Coming Out April 13, 2021

I’m happily married to a woman. We’ve been married for nearly 17 years. Some people may assume that makes me straight but I’ve got news for ya! I’m not. I’m a bisexual man. Guess what though . . . she’s cool with that. We’re cool with that. And if you’re cool with me, you’ll be cool with that.

So, why am I just coming out now? Because I want to. It’s a part of who I am and I feel like sharing that part of myself to the world. Will everyone understand? No, and I’m okay with that. I don’t need validation from everyone because those whom I love and trust have been nothing but supportive.

Plus, let’s be real: when you grow up in the church and have feelings that aren’t heteronormative, you are made to feel like you don’t belong, like your feelings are “from the devil.” You are forced to shove everything down for years and years and years because, as we’re often told, these are worldly urges that aren’t from God. God doesn’t make mistakes like that. Blah, blah, blah – we’ve probably heard it all already.

Plus, to be perfectly frank, I’ve shoved things down for so long that I simply don’t feel like doing that any longer. It’s taken me a long time to wrestle with these things, and then even longer to formulate how I want to say them, so naturally these things take time to work themselves out. That’s what I’m doing today. (I’m also going to talk about it on the special edition 100th episode of the Heretic Happy Hour podcast, for those who are into the whole podcast thing.)

Now, to those who have sincere questions, feel free to ask them in the comments section. I have no problem answering actual curiosity (though please don’t ask me whom I’m sleeping with – bisexual doesn’t mean polyamorous. I affirm polyamory, but it’s not something I engage in, nor do we desire to). If, however, you are going to banish me to hell because I was born in a way that pisses off your monster god, then please save it. I’ve already been banished for my theology, my potty-mouth, my tattoos, and pretty much everything else that offends fundamentalists, so being banished for my sexuality is really just icing on the cake (one that you probably wouldn’t bake anyway).

Let me conclude by saying this: I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but I didn’t choose this sexuality. I chose to marry my wife and I’m 100% glad I did. But I didn’t choose to be bisexual. Hell, when I was in the church, I really wanted this part of me to go away. I was told it was wrong. I was told only straight people “inherit the kingdom of God.” We were all probably told this. Here’s the thing, though; it never went away. No amount of praying, no amount of worshiping . . . nothing made it go away. And now I’m glad it didn’t because it’s a part of who I am. Now I celebrate the God who creates all of us as unique human beings with unique sexualities.

I hope you will celebrate with me. If you can’t, then mourn silently and save the prayers. They won’t work, nor do I want them to. To my fellow LGBTQ+ community – it feels weird saying that but I’ll get used to it – thanks for all your bravery and fabulousness.


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About Matthew Distefano
Matthew is a best-selling author, blogger, podcaster, long-time social worker, and hip-hop artist. He is an outspoken advocate for nonviolence, happily married, with one daughter. Outside of writing, his interests include gardening, hiking, and European football. He lives in Northern California You can read more about the author here.

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