Jerusalem, ISRAEL – After 2,000 years, Jesus Christ of Nazareth returned to earth in order to clarify a few things he says have been misconstrued about him over the centuries. While it wasn’t the return most Evangelicals were hoping for, it did shed some light on a few issues.
“First off, let me suggest that some of y’all have really botched this whole ‘Christian’ thing,” said the Lord, obviously annoyed that he even had to be here again. “How can you read everything written about me and think that I’m some violent jackass? And do you really think I’m stupid enough to take on Rome with just 2 swords? Newsflash: I’m not.”
After taking a drag off what he called his “holy incense,” Jesus continued. “Also, stop worrying about what gay people are doing. If people are loving each other, them both having the same genitalia should really be the least of our concern. There’s children starving, wars brewing, corporations exploiting, and politicians oppressing, and you think my Dad cares about gay dudes? Grow up.”
When asked how long he would be staying, Jesus had this to say. “Well, last time y’all nailed me to a tree, so probably not long.”
Some Christians aren’t convinced this is actually the real Jesus. “It just doesn’t line up. No violence? Gay inclusion? A good degree of melanin? Sounds like a liberal imposter to me,” said Chet Christianson, longtime attendee of Bethlehem Baptist Church.
At this time, it is not known whether Jesus will be making any future appearances. If the past is any indication, it may be a while before we hear anything from him again.
If you wanna get to know me better, please follow me on social media. I’m pretty active on all platforms:
Also, if you’ve been digging my work on here, and want to see me be able to continue writing as close to full-time as humanly possible, please take a look at my Patreon page at www.patreon.com/mjdistefano. Even $1 a month helps bigly!!!