Mordor Invades Rohan, Conservative Gondorians Praise Sauron

Mordor Invades Rohan, Conservative Gondorians Praise Sauron February 28, 2022

Edoras, Rohan – Last week, the forces of Mordor invaded the borders of Rohan, and while they haven’t yet reached the capital of Edoras, Rohirric casualties have been reported throughout the land. Sources from The Riddermark Gazette also report over 500 Orcs from Sauron’s army have been slain.

In Gondor, while many are opposed to the invasion, some Conservative Gondorians have been praising Sauron for his “smarts.” In a recent speech, former Steward of Gondar, Denethor II, had this to say:

“Sauron, you know, he’s not a nice guy. Not a nice guy. But he is smart. Smart and savvy. And Aragorn, well, you know that he’s weak. Weak and stupid. Unlike me. You know, this wouldn’t have happened if I were still Steward of Gondor. But I’ll just say this, and it’s really the most tremendous news you’ll hear all week, maybe in your whole life, I don’t know: In three years, we will make Gondor great again, again. That’s right! We’ve done it once, and we’ll do it again, again.”

In the wake of the announcement, Conservative pundit Túckeriar Cärlsionian couldn’t help but praise both Denethor and Sauron. “This is fantastic news. On the one hand, you have the announcement made by Denethor, whom the liberals hate. And speaking of hate; Sauron. But why? Has Sauron ever stolen your second breakfast? Or kicked a Hobbit in front of you? Has he ever cut down an Ent? Is he responsible for the missing Ent-wives? Is he to blame for the fall of Númenor? Of course not! Then why do they hate him?”

Of course, these sentiments are a small minority. Most are vehemently against the invasion, including many living in Mordor. We spoke with one Orc who had this to say. “I fell for all the ‘Sauron, rah-rah stuff.’ But now, it’s just too much. We are protesting because we are against this war, and we want to keep what little freedoms we have left. People in the West who support this invasion have no idea how bad it is under Sauron.”

Stay tuned for more on this developing story. In the meantime, if you can send aid to Rohan, please do. Here are a few links:


Doctors Without Borders

Voices of Children

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About Matthew J. Distefano
Matthew J. Distefano is an author, blogger, podcaster, and social worker. He lives in Northern California with his wife and daughter You can read more about the author here.
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