Washington, DC — President elect Donald J. Trump has made a lot of boisterous and public promises, but one that has, until now, slipped under the radar is a new executive order that he plans on implementing on day one of his second term. The order, dubbed the “Promoting Equal Diversity in Orchestration,” or P.E.D.O., is an idea that the Trump team has stated will “unite the American people around cherished songs we all know and love.” The order lays out, in great detail, how all patriotic music–from the Star-Spangled Banner to God Bless America–will be played in the same key so as to “bring America together around a common, unified goal.”
The key the Trump team has decided to pick is “A-minor.” When asked why this particular tonality was chosen, a spokesperson from the campaign stated, “we like the feel of A-minor; it causes great emotional impact when you dance around with A-minor, and we believe most musicians, from Sean Combs to Drake to Garth Brooks, will agree with that.”
Former Congressman Matt Gaetz, who is the current frontrunner for Attorney General, has had a long, storied history with this tonality, and voiced adulation for the order. “I’m overjoyed. I couldn’t be happier, really. Finally, A-minor here. A-minor there. In pool halls. In your favorite restaurant. Nothing but A-minor.”
“That’s what we want to see,” said Trump, in an interview with MAGA podcaster, and respecter of women, DJ Akademics. “As we make America great again, we’re going to make music great again. And we start by unifying around A-minor, a relatively new key–not a lot of people know that–it’s new, it’s fresh, it’s young, really. A-minor. You just love saying it.”
Musicians wondering how long they have to transpose their sheet music to the proper key can go to www.trumporders.pedo.com to find out more.
(This is satire.)
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