The so-called pro-life crowd seems to have just won a huge victory in the fight against healthcare. As it stands, the Supreme Court looks as if they are going to roll back Roe v. Wade, which, for all we know, will resurrect Jerry Falwell from beyond the grave (at this point, I’m not surprised by anything). This is causing a raucous celebration within Evangelical circles. Why, you ask? Because of the sanctity of life.
As they would argue, God values life. All life. The problem, then, is that if you read your Bible, you’ll realize that this is not entirely true. Sure, there are many passages where God seems to champion life. However, because the Bible is also a “text in travail,” as René Girard once put it, there are many passages where God’s body count rivals any 80s action hero.
Here’s 10 instances where God is vehemently NOT pro-life.
I. God Turns Lot’s Wife Into A Salt Lick
Sodom and Gomorrah are about to get destroyed for being abominable places. Lot and his wife start fleeing to safety. She turns around to witness the destruction and is immediately turned into a pillar of salt. Many will say she deserved it because she was disobedient, but aren’t we all disobedient at some point? Being disobedient is hardly a reason to turn someone into salt. Unless you’re God.
Verdict: God is NOT pro-life.
II. God Nukes Sodom & Gomorrah
Speaking of Sodom & Gomorra; these cities are utterly destroyed by God for being wicked and abominable places. As Ezekiel would later say, they are destroyed because they were super gay. Wait, that’s not it. They “were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.” Great reason to go for the nuclear option, right? Well, no! Suffice it to say, there were certainly children in these cities. It also stands to reason that where pregnant women, too – what, with all the unprotected sex going on. So, nuclear is probably not the most pro-life option.
Verdict: God is NOT pro-life.
III. God Calls for the Obliteration of the Amalekites
The Amalekites and the Israelites didn’t like each other very much. Probably had something to do with how the Amalekites treated the Israelites during their exodus from Egypt. So, sometime later in the story, God through Samuel tells Saul to teach their military leaders a lesson. Actually, it’s more severe than that. [Checks notes.] Samuel tells Saul to, “completely destroy the Amalekites and everything that belongs to them. Don’t let anything live; you must kill all the men and women and all of their children and little babies. You must kill all of their cattle and sheep and all of their camels and donkeys.” HOLY SH*T!
Verdict: God is NOT pro-life.
IV. God Kills Onan for Pulling Out
Once upon a time, God killed a dude name Er. Not off to a great start, but bear with me. As was the custom, Er’s brother Onan was then supposed to impregnate his dead brother’s wife. He obliged, but not really, pulling out early. So, God killed him, too.
Now, I’m not saying Onan was a good guy or anything, but God is definitely a little quick on the trigger here.
Verdict: God is NOT pro-life.
V. God Kills All of Humanity Except for One Family
The biblical story starts off great. Peace. Prosperity. Perpetual nudity. Then within a few chapters, 99.9% of humanity drowns. Of course, the Bible says they were all wicked and thus deserved to die. However, are we really to believe that there were no children included among them? No pregnant women? Nothing? Just a bunch of villains going around murdering and thieving and playing loud punk-rock music? I have a hard time believing that, so I must conclude that a bunch of cute toddlers and pregnant teen moms died in Noah’s flood.
Verdict: God is NOT pro-life.
VI. God Kills Egyptian Kids
Moses and Pharaoh never got along. Maybe it had to do with that whole “enslaving his people” issue, but whatever the reason, they were never gonna be BFFs. Things end up getting so contentious, even, that Moses’ God ends up killing all of the firstborn sons of the Egyptians just to make a point. No doubt, God could have kept it between himself and Pharaoh, but no, he had to include everyone, and blood had to be shed.
Verdict: God is NOT pro-life.
VII. God Reacts to Someone Touching His Favorite Art Piece
The Ark of the Covenant was the most sacred relic to the ancient Hebrew people. It was super fancy and made of gold. No one was supposed to touch it. One day, some folks were moving it and after one of the oxen stumbled, causing the Ark to tilt, a man named Uzzah tried to lend a hand to steady it. You know, like any of us would do when something is about to fall. Because of this, God killed him. Dead. For trying to lend a hand.
Verdict: God is NOT pro-life.
VIII. God Kills David’s Child Because of David’s Sin
David sinned. Then he confessed his sin to Nathan, who said, “you’re good, man. You aren’t gonna die.” After hearing this, David probably breathed a sigh of relief (my eisegesis). But then Nathan hit him with the worst punchline ever, “But your kid’s screwed.” Seven days later, David’s kid died of some illness sent by God (of which we probably now have a vaccination for). Truly one of the most depressing stories in all of Scripture, but yet more proof that God doesn’t mess around.
Verdict: God is NOT pro-life.
IX. God Sends Bears to Maul Children on Behalf of His Favorite Prophet
Everyone loves a good clapback. But nothing beats Elisha’s. Dude is walking next to the woods and a group of kids make fun of his baldness. So Elisha, obviously having a shitty day, curses them. Then, in an escalation rivaled only by the now famous scene from Anchorman, bears come out of the woods and KILL ALL 42 OF THEM. Just imagine 42 children being mauled by bears before telling anyone that God cares about life.
Verdict: God is NOT pro-life.
X. God Either Sends or Allows Most People to Spend Eternity in Hell
If you’re a Calvinist, God foreordains most people to go to hell. If you’re an Arminian, God is powerless to stop them from going there. And if you’re an annihilationist, the same rules apply (except people don’t end up in hell; they are destroyed). Either way, God is ultimately responsible for the fate of humanity. And as such, what we say about our fate determines how much God actually cares about life.
Verdict: Unless you’re a Universalist, God is NOT pro-life.
Without a doubt, Christian apologists will explain away all 10 of these stories. Either they will say children are killed by God because of Adam’s sin, because of their own parents’ sin, or some other reason. But at the end of the day, no explaining away these things will ever convince an objective reader that God, as depicted in these stories, is any more pro-life than the most vengeful among us.
Now sleep tight, kiddos! Hope you rest a little easier now.
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