Risking Love

I could feel it coming to the surface… boiling up inside me, ready to spill over.

As time went on it had become worse and worse, every time we hung out, it was like he added another mento to the already shaken 2-liter bottle of Pepsi… (I blame this analogy on working in youth ministry for the past 10 years).

I had to say something.

But I didn’t want to say anything.

I knew it’d be easier to just let it go, pretend as if nothing had happened… But I knew it would be better to not let it go, and to acknowledge the fact that I was upset.

Not to state the obvious but, I have a hard time with conflict…

I fear it.

Mainly the part where it completely blows up in your face.

Being the over analytical introvert that I am, I had to process the entire debacle, picking every piece of the puzzle apart, sifting through the box of pieces, wondering as to how exactly, I should approach this. This isn’t anything new – I do this with everything… Wondering:

How big of a deal is this really?

Am I able to let it go?

Who’s truly at fault? Myself, him, or no one?

The more I thought through it, the deeper I dug, the more I began to realize that it’s not that big of a deal. The more I began to realize that the problem wasn’t the conflict, but rather what the conflict reminded me of. Because of past others – I don’t trust the current others…

Sometimes I think that we can unknowingly associate someone’s action, to a past relationship or conflict that went incredibly wrong. I think when this happens, we call it “baggage,” yup, we all got it.

For me, and I assume I’m not the only one, when this happens, fear incites itself, and when fear appears, emotions, over reaction, control, or just, in this instance, a paralyzation.

I think in the end of all this processing and over analyzing, I came to a simple conclusion…

I need to trust people enough, within my life today, to allow them the room to love me. It’s giving up control, letting down my guard, taking a risk…

“To love is to risk. To control is to fear.” – Donald Miller 

But – it’s terrifying to do that because, to give someone enough room to love you – also allows them enough room to hurt you… And when enough people have hurt you, why give anyone else enough room to potentially hurt you again?

Because when we close people off so much so that they can’t hurt us, we also close these people off from the ability to love us.

For me, fear, it stems from abandonment, I’m sure adoption has something to do with this (I was adopted – not sure if I’ve ever mentioned that, if not… Bomb. Dropped.)

But, I’m not sure what it is for you, maybe it’s also abandonment, an absent father, abuse, divorce, death…

Whatever it might be, it’s a process, it’s a risk. It comes at a cost.

Though – I must say – that no risk or cost is too great, when it comes to the pursuit of love, true love.

What about you guys? Would love to hear your thoughts…