4 Tips to Communicate Well with Guys at Work or School

Tip #2: How we phrase questions with guys is really (really) crucial

While guys may look strong and confident on the outside, there’s often a lot of vulnerability on the inside.  Essentially, men (and teenage boys) are always questioning whether they’re any good at what they do – and hoping that no-one finds out that they aren’t as confident as they look. So as you can imagine it is very easy for them to see your questions as calling them out! Since our simple requests for more information could be perceived as a challenge or a “gotcha,” be mindful to phrase things in a way that doesn’t hit that nerve.

Here’s one of the most common examples. When a woman starts a sentence with “Why did you do . . . ?” (e.g. “Why did you do it that way, Brian?”) he might be hearing “Why did you do it that way, you idiot?” I know that might sound crazy, but that was the case for the vast majority of men and boys on my surveys!

In fact, just recently one college freshman told me that a girl in a project group had asked, “Why did you choose that picture for the title slide?”, and he found himself feeling defensive because he had put in a lot of work.  He seemed quite surprised by my suggestion that she could literally have just been curious – not challenging.

So when you need to ask “why,” try always starting with affirmation: “I know you took a lot of time pulling up images for the PowerPoint.” Then ask the question in a way that won’t be seen as challenging their competence: “I’m curious; what were the reasons you settled on that one?” Of course you might in fact disagree with his direction! And in that case, try, “I might have gone in another direction; could you help me understand where you’re coming from?” It’s automatically a more respectful way of approaching it.