A Letter to Our Teenage Sons Who Try to Treat Girls With Respect

DID YOU KNOW? 

A girl’s intent in how she dresses is not what you think.

One of the myths we shared in the book For Young Men Only is this: most guys think girls dress hot because they want a physical relationship. You think she’s saying, “come and get it.”  But our surveys with girls found that the vast majority aren’t thinking at all about your reaction to what they wear—they just want to feel good about themselves and how they look. 

See, girls’ brains are wired differently than yours. I know you think that when a girl wears tight clothes she knows exactly what she’s doing to you and she knows exactly what rises up in your brain. But trust me, she doesn’t. She has no idea! 

Here’s why: Unlike in your brain, when a girl sees a very attractive guy showing off his body, her nucleus accumbens isn’t activated. She doesn’t feel that twist in her gut. She doesn’t feel a temptation toward sexual thoughts rising up. A different part of her brain is activated instead: the cortical or thinking centers. And she thinks to herself, “Wow, he’s attractive.” And . . . that’s about it. 

In other words, most girls and women simply don’t have those sexual thoughts tied to a visual image—so they have no idea that you do. That girl next to you in class wearing the short-shorts or the clinging shirt is just thinking she looks cute! (Which is why we wrote a letter to the girls explaining all this as well.)

So guys, the vast majority of girls are not dressing to say “Come and get it”—even when you think they’ve picked a super-hot outfit. 

Even when your self-control is put to the test, that doesn’t give you or any guy an excuse to treat them without respect. Let me say this very clearly: There’s never a valid reason for a guy to act on his desires with a girl he isn’t married to, to be disrespectful in his words or thoughts, or to take advantage of a girl. Every young man is responsible for his actions and for making wise choices, even in very tempting situations.

So how can you fight the daily battles of temptation and make those wise choices? I thought you’d never ask! Here are some practical strategies to cope with visual temptation.