Being purposeful is an act of love and care
We think sex should be spontaneous. That’s what Hollywood shows, anyway. And yet as many wives have discovered, waiting for the right time for “spontaneous” sex often means it just doesn’t happen! So if we want to prioritize connection, we need to be purposeful. Now, some wives (about 18% on our last survey) have a higher desire than their husbands—and if you are in that category, you are likely thinking about it anyway! But the rest of us may need to be much more intentional. When I shared this with a group of women at a marriage conference, one approached me and said, “I’m struggling with a little bit of resentment about this. I get that intimacy is important, and I care about it too. But saying we need to be intentional makes it feel like this is yet one more thing I have to do in an already full day.” I fully understood where she was coming from! It is easy to be resentful if you think of this as yet one more thing your hubby has put on your to-do list! But in the usual, non-abusive marriage, that is not the way he’s thinking about it—so it requires us taking a different view as well. I posed this question to that wife: “Do you want your husband to ask things like “How was your day?” Do you want him to reach out and engage in meaningful conversation with you even when he’s tired at the end of a long series of client meetings?” When she indicated that yes, that did matter to her—and in fact, her husband did try to engage in that way—I said, “It’s very similar. Asking about a wife’s day and listening is not most men’s natural inclination. But it is something your husband tries to do, for one reason: because it matters to you! It isn’t one more thing you have put on his to-do list, right? It is something he tries to remember to do because he loves you.” Ladies, because of how many of us are wired, sex may not be top of mind during a busy day. But if we are trying to fix a sense of distance or dissatisfaction, or create a bridge to our man, let’s see that foundational need and desire for connection that is in our man’s heart, and go straight to the one thing that will most build it with him. 
Read part 1 of The Sex & Conversation Series: One Simple Sentence That Will Delight Your Wife
Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.
And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.
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