The Sex & Conversation Series, Part 3: “If My Spouse Loved Me, They Would WANT To Do What Warms My Heart!”

What Matters Is Not The Initial “Wanting,” But The Initial “Trying” – Because Our Spouse Cares

I know that for some of us, those parallel truths are a lot to process. But here’s the encouraging truth that we must always keep in mind. Our spouse’s willingness to try to do what matters to us – even if it doesn’t come naturally – should make us feel MORE loved and appreciated.

Once we see it that way, we can see that it is actually really lovely that your husband, who really doesn’t feel the same pull to listen as you do, is willing to try to do so. Or that your wife, who may not feel the same physical pull toward sex as you do, still wants to be with you. In both those cases, it is because of you and because of the relationship.

And the good news, thankfully, is that when each of us do step out and make that effort, our feelings will usually follow. He will get interested in what she is saying as they sit and talk in the kitchen, and she will get “in the mood” as she gets going in the bedroom.

Let me close with this. When Jeff and I first became aware of the need to confront these subconscious, unrealistic expectations, Jeff raised a really, really important point for all of us to consider in our marriages. I’ll leave you with his words.

We need to flip our thinking. The fact that neither spouse is naturally inclined to engage in the behavior that the other really needs, but they still try to do it, should make us MORE satisfied and MORE grateful. Because even though it is outside of my spouse’s inclination, they are doing it because they love me!

After all, is that not what God wants when it comes to Him? Our natural tendency is to want our own way, but He wants us to choose Him – even when we may not feel like it. He could have made us robots, but He gave us a choice about whether to love and worship Him.

And I’m wondering if that is just woven through the universe. Certainly, God could have designed a woman to just crave a man’s body and crave sex. And certainly, God could have designed a man to just crave to listen to his wife. But I think He wants both of us to CHOOSE the other person in an area that is really important for them, even if it is not as much of an inclination for us. And for it to become important to us, because it is important to them.

Enjoyed this article? Read Part 1 and Part 2 of the Sex & Conversation Series.

Find Christ-focused wonder in the midst of everyday life no matter what your situation might be. Pick up a copy of Shaunti’s latest devotional, Find Joy, available in major bookstores.

And check out her latest book (co-authored with her husband, Jeff), Thriving in Love and Money. Because you need a better relationship, not just a better budget.

Visit www.shaunti.com for more.