Little Things Make A Big Difference in Marriage

Break Down the Damaging “Complexity Myth”

When you’re working with couples on a regular basis, you probably look out over your congregation—or across the coffee shop table at a friend in crisis—and wish you could do something to give hope to confused or discouraged couples. Well, one of the most effective things you can do is also the most simple: to knock down the subtle but widespread myth that marriage is utterly complicated and that most problems require serious, long-term intervention to solve. As I’ve interviewed and surveyed more than 40,000 men and women over eighteen years, it is clear that most people subconsciously feel that having a good marriage, or fixing a troubled one, requires a Ph.D. in psychology with a minor in mind-reading.

When things are going great, this belief is dormant; but the moment a couple faces trouble it looms all too large. It becomes easy for those two people to feel helpless and confused in the face of it. That sneaky little belief, in fact, predisposes them to give up all too quickly. Because now they have this hidden (and usually inaccurate) sense that they have years of intensive therapy and struggle ahead, with no certain outcome. It is instantly exhausting and overwhelming.

Share the Hope-Filled Research

Thankfully, our research has found the opposite trend is true! In my book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we studied what happy couples do differently. It was clear that having a great marriage or healing a broken one is usually dependent on the little things, not the big ones! For example, one gold-standard study by multiple respected researchers found that the simple act of “divorce is not an option” commitment alone led eight in ten of the most troubled marriages to becoming very happy if the couple stuck with it for five years!

Hundreds of marriage therapists I’ve interviewed have confirmed that most marriage breakdowns are not caused by what you might call the deep, systemic big-ticket problems—for example, by one spouse being a blackout alcoholic or having been sexually abused as a child. Those tragic situations do exist, but they don’t cause the majority of marriage problems.

Instead, most husbands and wives deeply care about each other (more than 99% in our survey) and are trying very hard—but they don’t realize that they are trying hard in the wrong areas, so they aren’t making the other person feel cared for in the way they think they are. Or they don’t realize they are doing something that is hurting their spouse. Or they are holding on to hurt and unforgiveness instead of looking at the very real positives in their spouse. The hurt feelings spiral, as each person starts believing that the other person “just doesn’t care,” and they subconsciously begin to see everything in that light. All too soon, things seem dark; they helplessly feel like they are at the bottom of a deep pit and they don’t know how to get out.

Imagine the relief for these people once you to show them that there isn’t actually a pit at all! It’s more like a dark room, and they simply need to open the door. Yes, they may have to change some actions and habits of thought, learn some key things about their mate’s unseen needs and insecurities. They also may need to be completely one-sided for a while if their spouse has “checked out.” But in most cases, some small day-to-day actions will end up making a huge difference. So what are some of those?