Little Things Make A Big Difference In Marriage

Try a Few Small Changes That Lead To Big Results

Here are just three small actions you can recommend to a troubled couple, that are likely to deliver some big results and instill some much-needed hope in a fairly short period of time:

Tell the wife to look for things for which she can say “thank you.” We have seen over the years that in most cases (although not all), where women most doubt they are loved, men most doubt that they are competent and respected. The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages research was clear that a wife’s sincere appreciation for the little day-to-day things he does (“thank you for mowing the lawn even though it was so hot outside”) makes him feel, down deep, she cares about me. Once we truly believe the other person cares, that helps solve (or prevent) bigger problems. (Ladies, if you want more, this blog explains the magic of “thank you,” and this video course will show you exactly how to understand your husband and get to the relationship you want.)

Now, that said, of course there is a corresponding need on the women’s side! Which leads to simple action #2.

Tell him to reassure her that “we’re okay” when they are having an argument (especially if he has to pull away to process)—and to show “you’re mine” affection when they aren’t. Because most women have a subconscious “would he choose me all over again?” insecurity, some painful feelings are triggered in conflict, particularly if he pulls away. When he instead says “I need to process, but we’re okay” it reassures her at a deep level. And for most women, if he does things like take her hand, put his arm around her in church, or reach over and gently rub her neck when watching a movie, it builds a sense of being treasured and loved, which builds a sense of certainty under the surface. The daily certainty that he would choose her all over again then helps prevent that insecurity from being triggered in the first place. (Guys, if you want more tips on how to do that, look at this article, or this short video course on simple ways to understand your wife and make her happy.)

When hurt, tell each spouse to look for a more generous explanation and act as if that is the real one—because it probably is. Now, it is important to note that this is the case for the vast majority of marriages, not abusive ones. But it is astonishingly important for everyone else. In our research, we found that one of the most important things the “highly happy” spouses did differently was refusing to believe the worst of their mate’s intentions toward them.If someone thinks “He knew how that would make me feel, and he said it anyway”, that translates to “he doesn’t care” and it’s downhill from there. But in truth more than 99 percent of people deeply care about their spouse—and a huge reason why some couples are struggling is that one or both partners doesn’t believe it. If they change their assumption to “I know he loves me; he must not have known how that would make me feel”, everything about their response—and the pattern of their marriage—will be different.

So as a basic starting point, encourage a couple to try those three simple things for a few weeks and see what happens. Yes, some marriages face big problems that are extremely complex to solve, but those thankfully are rare. In most struggling marriages, whatever their issues actually are, a couple needs to see that they can accomplish a great deal with a few simple changes; and that gives them the hope that having a good marriage might not be so hard and complicated after all.