Mixing Fear with Money and Marriage

We Use Money To Soothe Our Fear Reactions

Carl and Deanna have very different reactive fears that are exploding all over the place—yet ironically neither of them even recognize those fears as a big deal. Also, both are using money to soothe their own worries, and not realizing that doing so is making the other person’s worse.

Deanna is grieved and fearful about the loss of closeness between Carl and the family; she worries about whether the kids are feeling loved by their dad and feels a growing insecurity about Carl’s love for her. She pictures the kids being off at college in a few years and her being alone because Carl (in her mind) prefers being at work to being with her. So, she spends money to buy closeness: she arranges nice getaways or nights out at a restaurant near Carl’s workplace, in order to get more family time together.

Meanwhile, Carl is fearful that unless he doggedly devotes himself to this particular job, that he will be seen as “not a team player” at work and will eventually be pushed out. He worries about failing the family by messing up at work and losing the ability to provide the lifestyle he knows Deanna and the kids enjoy. He doesn’t really want to work so many hours and would love more time with them, but he sees no alternative. After all, those getaways and nights out have to be paid for somehow. And if he’s not present with the family, well, at least he can show his love by providing.

See how that works? Carl truly doesn’t understand how real Deanna’s fear is about marriage and family relationships dissolving, nor does she grasp how he constantly worries about not being enough to provide. It just seems obvious to Carl that the solution is to work whenever he is asked to . . . which only agitates Deanna’s fears . . . and it just seems obvious to her that she needs to “buy” time together . . . which agitates his fears . . .

In the money volcano, fear reacts to fear—baking soda and vinegar. My effort to solve my fear makes your fear worse.

Thankfully, although insecurities lie deep within us, there are simple ways of addressing them. And while our fears may differ widely, just as our personalities do, our research revealed four helpful principles that apply to almost everyone.