Unity Builder #1: Be self-aware of any actions that bust “oneness”

The first step is to actually recognize when you are resisting being fully “one.”

Here’s a slightly mortifying personal example. I have noticed that when I pull into the garage with more Costco purchases than Jeff was expecting and see his car isn’t there . . . I am instantly relieved. I have to be really honest and see my relief for what it is: a chance to avoid confessing that I got those towels or that bag that was such a good deal, even though we had jointly decided to reduce our spending. As much as I want to avoid it, I have to tell Jeff that I made a judgment call and that I’m totally willing to return the things if he’d prefer.

But of course, it isn’t just one person who has those “dis-unity” tendencies. Jeff has confessed that when he sees those extra purchases, he can easily be tempted to “play the martyr” and say, “since you overspent, I just won’t go to the eye doctor even though I need new glasses.” He, too, has to be willing to recognize his unhealthy tendencies.

Both hidden patterns will crack unity—and in both cases unity is created simply by being self-aware and avoiding our unhealthy patterns to begin with.