Step 3: Listen to their feelings

One of the biggest mistakes made by a parent or a spouse of an upset person is to try to shut down the drama by shutting down the dramatic flow of feelings or by trying to quickly fix the problem that is causing the feelings. It may seem logical that stifling the feelings will stifle the drama, but our research found that trying to stifle the feelings will often make the drama worse.

It is very common for an upset teenager to tell a parent, “You’re not listening to me!” when the parent has been trying their best to listen and solve the issue. It is also quite common for a husband to hear, “I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to listen!” from his wife. And what we found with surveys of thousands of people for For Parents Only and For Men Only, is that in both cases the person’s underlying need—what will often fix the drama—is to sense that their feelings have been heard. And the only way to do that is for someone to draw out and listen to their feelings about whatever is going on.

For example: “I’m so sorry that they got ice cream without you, honey. That must be hard. What did you think when you saw their posts about it?”

Now, it may alarm you to consider standing in front of a weepy teenage daughter and asking a question like that—after all, wouldn’t that make it worse? Won’t that be like throwing gasoline on a fire?!

I would have thought so, too! But instead, we discovered it is more like drawing poison out of a wound. As you say things like “how did that make you feel?” you are drawing out all those chaotic, turbulent feelings. And as you go, you will usually see the person begin to feel heard. They begin to relax. And at that point they’ll be more likely to want to talk about it if there is an external solution needed. (“Do you want to discuss how to handle it when you get to school tomorrow?”)

Although there will always be people who are addicted to drama (who these steps don’t work on, and which is beyond the scope of this article), in most cases the people we love mostly just want to feel heard. Try these three steps. If they consistently don’t work, you may need to put boundaries in place instead, so you are not captive to someone who truly just wants to create more drama. But if you see them work in the moment, consider this a skill worth building. A skill that also shows them love.

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