Communication Habit #3: Listen in the way your spouse needs—not necessarily in the way you would need
To become a great communicator, you have to become a competent listener. And being a competent listener means listening in the way your spouse needs. Statistically, it is worth pointing out two different listening skills that will be appreciated most men and most women. (Although since everyone is an individual, the key is always to learn what matters to your spouse.)
Men: Realize that for most women, “listening” means “listen to my feelings about a problem before trying to deal with the actual problem.” In our national survey of women for For Men Only most said that they would only want their man to help them with the technical problem as Step Two. Instead, as Step One, if a woman was upset about something — for example, her boss publicly criticized her in front of her subordinates — she usually first wanted her man to listen to and empathize with her upset feelings and draw her out with caring questions. (“What do you think the others on the team are thinking?” “How do you feel about walking in tomorrow?”) This type of listening and communication will, in most cases, make a woman feel very loved. (For more specific tips, see the “listening” section of our streaming course, Understanding Her, or this article.)
Women: Realize that for most men, “listening” means “trust that I have thought something through by the time I bring it up, before shooting off tons of questions.” In our national survey of men for For Women Only most (82%) said that by the time they raised something with their wife – for example, he thinks it is appropriate to dip into savings to build the new deck —they had already thought about the issue in detail. In fact by the time a man raises something he has often thought through his wife’s potential objections or concerns as well. But because this is the first his wife is hearing about it, she often wants to process it by discussing it with him and ask questions –which he might receive as criticism. It will avoid that implication and instead show appreciation if she listens to his initial discussion and then asks her questions with the acknowledgement that he has probably already put a great deal of thought into it. (“So I know you’ve probably investigated ways to cut costs – what did you find?”) Even if, in the end, she ends up disagreeing. (If you are curious, the “processing” section of our streaming course, Understanding Him, unpacks this a bit more.)
A bonus reminder about another listening skill that is crucial for everyone, was captured well by a reader who shared that their top advice was, “Be a good listening partner. Do not interrupt. Listen like you are trying to understand, not just wanting to reply.”
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