Step two: When you are having tension around money, remind yourself, “It’s not about the money”
This is the most crucial thing for you to remember during any time of conflict, frustration or emotional interaction around money. When your spouse is confronting you about that “irresponsible” amount you spent on something, or when you’re mad that your spouse is being “selfish” or “too tight with money” (or whatever), tell yourself, “This argument is not about the money.”
It turns out: money tensions are actually about how money makes you feel and how it makes your spouse feel. It’s about a host of expectations, worries or fears running under the surface, that you and/or your spouse may not be able to articulate. But they are there. And that is what we have to understand about one another before we can come together well, break the logjam, and make progress.
Why? Well, when you think tension is about the dollars and cents, the obvious solution is to focus on the dollars and cents: we aren’t earning enough or saving enough. But while that may indeed be part of it, understanding the “real” reason for the money tension is crucial. Because that is what actually needs to be discussed. Let’s describe how that works, next.
Step three: Understand what your spouse is valuing or worrying about, under the surface
Suppose you buy a somewhat pricey gift for your stepmom on her birthday, and your spouse is frustrated because they had discussed with you their desire to cut back on spending. It may seem like the conflict is about the money. But that is not what leads to the emotions. For example, you may be very worried about all the stress your stepmother is under right now at her job and feeling strongly that you need to say “I care” via that restaurant gift card. While your spouse may be so worried about how on earth to make things work with higher gas prices and feeling strongly that you two should spend no extra money until you see how the economy plays out.
If you just keep focusing on the fact that there is $100 on a gift card, and $100 less in the bank account, both of you could easily get frustrated with each other (“Why aren’t you getting this?!”) and dig in your heels.
But if you can step back and focus on what you and your spouse are valuing or worrying about under the surface—the desire to show your stepmom that you care, the deep fear about the future—then you can address the real issues. Which leads to our final step for today.
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