Step four: Honor what your spouse cares about or worries about, even if you disagree.
Once you can get even a basic sense for the “underneath” stuff that is going on in your spouse’s mind and heart, make the effort to show that you want to honor how they are feeling. Even if you don’t personally feel the same way!
We often simply don’t take this step. Partly because we don’t really “see” the under-the-surface feelings to begin with, but partly because we think that our spouse is just wrong! And surely, we think, acknowledging how they are feeling in that area will only encourage their “wrongness!”
We have to come to grips with a key truth: unless our spouse is dealing with desires or fears that any observer would indeed agree is objectively wrong (like a gambling addiction), what they care about is usually just as legitimate as what we care about. And acknowledging and appreciating that fact is a secret weapon for creating a good relationship around finances.
Using our hypothetical example, imagine how it would make you feel if your spouse came to you and said, “I’m sorry I’ve been upset about you buying that gift card for your stepmother. I know how much you have wanted to improve your relationship with her. I wish you had talked with me about it first, but I really appreciate your heart to try to do something to relieve her stress.” How would that feel? If you are like most people, you would be so appreciative hearing your spouse articulate what is in your heart. It wouldn’t somehow “excuse” you buying the gift card without asking, but it would honor the heart underneath it. It would likely lower your defenses and open up the space for conversation.
Now . . . realize that your spouse will feel the exact same way if you honor what is in their heart. If you were to go to your spouse and say, “I’m sorry that I bought the gift card without checking with you. I know that you’ve been so nervous about whether we will be able to pay our bills now that gas prices are skyrocketing. I still think we don’t have to be so tight on money, but I want you to know that I really do appreciate your desire to protect the family, financially.” How do you think that will make your spouse feel? If they are like most people, they will be so touched to hear you honor them. It wouldn’t somehow “give them permission” to be even more of a tightwad next time, but it will lower their defenses and open up the space for conversation.
See how this works? As you learn to talk about money, focus on the heart of your spouse, not just the technical money issue, and you will be doing something that is far more important than just solving financial issues. You will be building connection and care with your spouse that will serve you well around all the issues in your marriage.
For more help with stepping into those conversations, start with this free money and relationship assessment, or take a look at Thriving in Love & Money.
Share YOUR advice! What money advice have you found to be most helpful, that you would want to share with a newly-married couple? Answer in the comments below!
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