Tip #3: Learn to talk about sex
Most couples avoid the topic of intimacy, but our research has found it is vital for the best sexual connection. I can’t share all of what we found in the research until the book is published (February 2023), but here’s a sneak peek. In practice, most couples – 73%! – can’t talk about sex well: they avoid it because it is awkward or because they think it won’t get them anywhere. And yet the data overwhelmingly showed it will “get them somewhere” because it is highly correlated with a much more thriving sex life in all sorts of ways.
The key is knowing what to talk about. So this is where understanding the differences between you is essential. Tension around sex and intimacy is usually not about sex, per se, but about a host of expectations, insecurities, and beliefs about how things “should” work, running under the surface. So get curious and begin exploring those things in conversation. Ask each other questions about what their view of sex was growing up, and how that has changed today. Discuss what matters most, emotionally. Set aside defensiveness. Connecting around this “under the surface” stuff will go far toward helping you get on the same page about everything else.
(To investigate these three tips a bit more, see our Sex & Conversation Series.)
Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn apply their analytical skills to investigating life-changing truths about relationships. They speak at dozens of Date Nights and Marriage Events each year, conveying practical encouragement with lots of laughs (email [email protected] to explore what they might bring to your event). They live in Atlanta with their two young adult children. Sign up for Shaunti’s weekly blog (with new research and practical tips) at Shaunti.com.
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