How to Read Your Wife’s Mind

Truth #3. It will help her—and you—if you encourage her to process the swirling thoughts out loud

One of the best ways to approach her with confidence instead of confusion is to not try to magically “read” her mind but to get her to verbally share what is on her mind. And for that to work, you need to remember this truth: although some people (roughly one in four) are exceptions, the way most women process things is very different in two relevant ways from the way most men process things. (Take notes here, guys: it will save you a lot of trouble later!)

First, most female brains are designed to think things through by talking them through—where your brain is likely the opposite. (Most male brains need to process something internally before the man can talk about it.)

Second, your male brain is designed to “compartmentalize” in a way that your wife’s brain likely is not. You are concerned about Kayla’s fever too. But since you need to finish your prep for that difficult work conversation tomorrow morning, you can choose to just think about work and give that your full attention. In fact, you may feel you need to be able to give work your full attention in order to think about it at all! It’s as if you click the X to close the “Kayla fever” window on your mental desktop, and it stops bothering you until you’re ready to turn your attention to that window.

Your wife probably cannot do that. She probably needs to talk through her concern about your daughter’s high fever and all the ramifications of it—both so she can think through what to do and so that she can figure out what action to take to “close” the windows that are most bothering her.

If you try to short-circuit that process (“Listen, we won’t know whether the fever will even be there tomorrow, so just don’t worry about it tonight.”) you have shut down both of these crucial processes for her and made her feel dismissed. (No wonder she was angry, right?)

But if you can encourage her to talk it through without frustration or judgment, and honor what matters for her process, it will make her feel so loved. And it will give you a crucial look into what is really going on in her mind. For example, you might learn that what is most on her mind and heart is not just that a) Kayla is feeling miserable, but b) she’s needing to be sure that she has childcare so she can get the financial presentation done for her boss, and c) she’s on edge with her Mom, who has said several times that she feels “taken for granted” when she is asked to babysit last minute instead of the night before.

So now you have essentially “read her mind.” You know what is on her mind and heart. You can respond well. (Hint: Listen to her feelings about all of it, rather than just come up with a solution.) And if you want to really be a hero—and figure out what matters most to your wife or girlfriend in these situations—take a look at For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women and ask her to highlight or make notes on what most applies to her.

Then you can start applying it. One. Piece. At. A. Time.

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