Truth #2: We have different core insecurities—which means different things will hurt our feelings
Early in our marriage, one of the things that most puzzled me (and, if I’m being honest, at times irritated me) was: Why did that make him mad? All I did was ask some “minor” question or rib Jeff a little when we were at a cookout with friends, for example, and suddenly he would shut down.
Similarly, many a man has told me something like this one thirty-something man married 5 years: “She can get upset at something that isn’t a big deal and wants to talk it out when I’m mad and just want to be left alone. Don’t get me wrong: she’s awesome. But when I can’t talk, I can’t talk, you know? And sometimes it feels like she is testing me, and I don’t have a lot of patience for playing games.”
It turns out that what is often running underneath these patterns is anything but “minor” or “not a big deal.” Because a husband and wife frequently have two different sets of core insecurities. These vulnerabilities in our hearts operate like a hidden, raw nerve that we can easily trigger and hurt our spouse—because we didn’t even know it was there!
For women, across all our surveys, the question or insecurity tended to be: “Am I loveable? Am I special? Am I worthy of being loved for who I am on the inside?” And this vulnerability doesn’t go away just because a woman gets married to a great guy. It just morphs to “Does he really love me? Is he glad he married me?”
Here’s an example: Suppose Rachel and Dale get into an emotional conflict, and he gets angry and heads downstairs to his home office. In Rachel, the nerve has been hit. So as Dale disappears from view, his face tight, her gut may be roiling with one question: Are we okay? Dale doesn’t realize that (he’s just trying to cool off, and hoping she’ll cool off) but for Rachel, as for many women, this is a truly uncomfortable, painful feeling. It is not “minor.” It will probably keep roiling until she is reassured.
Thus, it makes all the difference if Dale will say, before he heads downstairs, “I just can’t talk. I’m mad and need some time to cool off. But we’re okay. We’ll talk later.” He has just soothed that raw nerve and sent the message “Yes I really do love you”—which is what her insecurity is subconsciously doubting.
For men, across all our surveys, the question or insecurity was usually not “Am I loveable?” Instead, it tended to be: “Am I able? Do I have what it takes to be a good husband/dad/salesperson? Am I any good at what I do? And this vulnerability doesn’t go away just because he is a great husband or has the best sales numbers in the region. It just morphs to, “Does she think I’m doing okay as a husband or father? Does she look at what I do and say it is good?”
For an example, let’s consider what might have caused the emotional conflict above. Suppose Rachel asks Dale to take their toddlers with him when he goes to the grocery store, since she’s about to hop on a Zoom meeting. When he gets back, she sees them shivering and asks, “Why on earth didn’t you put on their coats!?” In Dale, the nerve has been hit. His gut is roiling with one thought: I’m a total failure. She thinks I’m incompetent as a dad. For Dale, as for many men, her comments aren’t “minor”: even though he may not be able to articulate it, this painful thought is truly where his mind goes.
Which is why he may say something that makes her hidden insecurity worse (“Well, don’t ask me to handle the toddlers next time, since I can’t do anything right”) and the emotional argument unravels from there.
Thus, it makes all the difference if Rachel will realize that she just said something painful and soothe the raw nerve: “I’m sorry. I really appreciate everything you do for the kids—and for me. I was confused and worried, but I shouldn’t have snapped at you. Thanks for taking them.” She has just soothed that raw nerve, and sent the message, “Yes, I really do think you are a good father”—which is what his insecurity is subconsciously doubting.
It is crucial to emphasize that just because men and women tend to feel certain insecurities more acutely, it doesn’t mean that we don’t feel our partner’s insecurities at all! To some degree, we all share the doubts and worries that come with being human. But these are, statistically, those feelings that men and women seem to feel most acutely.
The amazing thing is, though: these vulnerabilities also present an opportunity to care for our spouses well. That is our final truth for today and is the key to unlocking your spouse’s heart.
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