Why does my man try to carry all the groceries in at once?

Factor #3: He wants you to trust him

Why do we wince—or even get mad!—when our man picks up that gravity-defying stack of groceries? It’s because we don’t trust him to be able to do it well.

Now, we may think it is perfectly logical not to trust him—after all, we think, we wouldn’t be able to do what he is trying to do! But the men I have asked about this—every single one—have said they wouldn’t attempt it if they hadn’t decided they could accomplish it.

“I’m not dumb—I know when it is truly beyond me,” one man said. “But otherwise, it is exciting to try and show that it isn’t beyond me.”

And that is why this minor little issue touches a much deeper reality: Many issues in our relationship stem from this dichotomy: Our man is longing for us to trust him—and we usually do, in theory! Yet when push comes to shove (or when he is ferrying both the baby carrier and a giant stack of boxes from the car) we don’t know that we can trust him after all. We signal the opposite. Which in any one little situation isn’t a big deal—but all too often the little situations pile up. Most of us don’t want to walk through our days in such a way that we confirm our man’s secret insecurities instead of countering them!

Sure, there will be occasions where to trust is foolish. After all, there are, sadly, unreliable individuals and difficult situations that require sober-minded thinking and intervention instead. Or there may be cases where a man doesn’t realize he is trying to juggle something valuable or precious, and he would want you to rescue that item yourself.

But in most cases, with most of our men, we can choose to trust. We can choose to avoid reacting in a way that rejects the idea of his competence. We can choose to hold our breath and look away if necessary. Or . . . we can even choose to say, “you go, boy!” and enjoy the sight of our man accomplishing something that makes him feel so pleased with himself.

When we do, we can also watch and see how that choice changes our man’s demeanor . . . and our feelings about the whole thing. Because that moment is when we realize that he longs to see his wife being his cheerleader, and that our little bit of encouragement is a minor daily boost to his belief in himself. Which means it isn’t so minor after all.

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