Don’t Should On Yourself

To-Do #3: Live in learning mode instead of performance mode

It is easy for us to live in “performance mode” – are we doing everything right and well? But in that mode, whatever we do wrong risks getting in our head. (I’ve hurt my spouse’s feelings so many times this week: Are we okay? Are they unhappy? Are they spending so much time at work because they don’t want to be at home?) We can get tense and worried – and we don’t like feeling tense and worried, so some of us start getting defensive instead. (“I tried my best, but you shouldn’t have brought the boss by the house when I had such a busy day! You don’t appreciate how much I have on my plate!”)

“Learning mode” is completely different. Living in this mode means when you make a mistake, you use it as an opportunity to learn what you can do differently next time. Instead of feeling shame that you procrastinated cleaning up your kitchen mess and thus deeply embarrassed your spouse, you realize I can get so focused on what I’m doing that I procrastinate. So next time I have to do something, I either need to do it right then or set an alarm on my phone to remember to do it later.

Living in learning mode means you give yourself the freedom to make mistakes. You don’t want to hurt anyone or make mistakes, but you will mess up occasionally. It’s okay, if you learn from those mistakes.

Can you see how much lighter you will feel once you try to live by this “don’t ‘should’ on yourself” principle? How much easier it will be to learn and grow, and build a relationship that is based on grace rather than blame and shame? This leads to a very important final “to-do.”