What To Do When You Think “What I Need is Obvious—Why Aren’t You Doing It?”

Step #1: Catch the inaccurate thought when it comes up

This is an issue for both men and women.

In dozens of women’s events over the years, I can’t tell you how many women have asked (usually with exasperation), “But shouldn’t my husband just know what I need? It’s so obvious!” (Or the companion question, “Why should I have to tell him what I need?”)

I get it. You want your husband to be attuned enough to you that he knows, without being asked, how exhausted you are from working late and how much you’d love him to just take charge of the kids’ baths that night. Or maybe you want him to just listen to you without being told, “I don’t want you to fix it, just listen.” That sense of “he just knows me” makes you feel loved.

Likewise, men, you may be confused or frustrated about how to explain what you need, and wish your wife would just know, for example, your desire for sexual intimacy. Maybe you’re like the 97 percent of men in the For Women Only research who said the issue wasn’t really about getting “enough” sex; the real issue is that you want to be wanted. So you feel like it “doesn’t count” if you have to tell your wife you’re longing for that connection.

Both of those “they should just know” expectations are understandable—and usually highly unrealistic. When the other person simply isn’t likely to “just know,” that belief will cause more pain.

We must catch that inaccurate and potentially dangerous thought when it arises in our brain, and then immediately do Step 2.