What To Do When You Think “What I Need is Obvious—Why Aren’t You Doing It?”

Step #3: Say the things your spouse needs to hear (even if it doesn’t come naturally to you)

Because of some of the general (although not universal) differences between men and women, the unique way our brains our wired, and even how we were socialized growing up, the words our spouse most needs to hear may be the least natural for us to say. Which means we need to start being very intentional.

Most women have told me, for example, that they think appreciative thoughts, but have to be very purposeful about actually saying, “Thank you” or “good job” to their husbands. Those words don’t roll right off the tongue. And yet, as we found in For Women Only, they are what men most need to hear as they navigate inner uncertainties about whether they measure up.

Likewise, men have shared with Jeff and me that they think often about how much they love their wives or how beautiful they are, but have to be very purposeful about actually saying, “I’ve never loved you more” or “you’re beautiful.” And, as you’ve probably guessed, For Men Only found that these words address the heart cries of women who internally ask, “am I loveable?” and “am I beautiful”—even after years of being married!

The point? Learn what your spouse needs to hear and say it. As you do, you’re breathing safety, trust, and intimacy into your marriage.