Step #4: Believe your spouse does care – even if they don’t “just know”
When Jeff and I lead marriage retreat weekends, we do live, anonymous polling of the audience. We love sharing our research, but it’s even more exciting for everyone in the room to see it come alive on the big screen showing their responses. This live polling usually closely mirrors our research—and shows the men and women sitting in the audience just how much certain phrases may not trip naturally off our tongues—but they are what our spouse needs to hear.
Yet the polls also get across a point that is far more important: just because our spouse doesn’t “just know” doesn’t mean they don’t care! Although there are indeed some sad cases where a marriage has gotten abusive on one or both sides (and please seek help if you’re in that category!), the vast majority of spouses deeply care about one another. Even if we don’t always say what we “should” say or do what we “should” do—at least in the way our spouse is hoping for—we care.
So each of us can believe the best of our spouse’s intentions toward us. And we can try to say the things that matter. This strange vocabulary might not come naturally. But if you honor the fact that your spouse is wired differently than you, and then commit to learning the language that doesn’t come naturally for you, it could be the difference between you sitting on the sidelines of your own marriage—and getting in the game.
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