Action Step #4: When you feel defensive with a close loved one (spouse, friend, etc.), remind yourself, “This person cares about me.”
As many of you know, my research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages showed that more than 99% of spouses deeply care about each other, even during painful times. The problem is, among so-so or struggling marriages, only 59% believe that. That’s a big gap, and we need to mentally fill it.
So imagine for the moment that your spouse is making an observation and you feel yourself starting to get defensive. For example: “It seems like when I do something around the house or with the kids, you see how I did it wrong rather than just appreciating it.” You may want to say, “No, I don’t!” You may feel attacked or hurt. (“How can they say that?! After all, I do this … and this … and this …! They have no idea how much I do!”) But remind yourself that, statistically your spouse really loves you—which probably means that they are trying to raise something that needs attention. Something that legitimately matters to them. Something you need to hear.
Which means it is something that matters for both of you.
The same pattern often applies to close friendships and family members. Sadly, there are cases where a spouse or close friend is toxic, which you should be able to determine by the input of objective observers such as a counselor, pastor, or trusted loved one. And if that objective observer—who has no emotional stake in the situation—is trying to tell you something that you may not want to hear (for example, “This is not okay, and you need to establish boundaries here”), that is yet another time to listen rather than getting defensive.
If you realize that you do indeed get defensive and have difficulty believing that your spouse (or other loved one) cares, consider that an important red flashing warning light of something you need to address for the sake of the relationship—and your own well-being.
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