7 Steps to Keep Defensiveness from Ruining Our Relationships (Part 2)

Action Step: #7: Consider counseling—especially for longstanding patterns

Finally, connecting with a trained mental health professional can be a game changer for those who need to unwind a longstanding pattern of defensiveness—particularly if it has arisen out of abuse, trauma, or a very real need to protect yourself when you were younger.

If this is your story, first of all, I’m so sorry. It shouldn’t have been that way.

But if you endured chronic blame, punishment, or trauma when you were younger, you may (understandably) be unwilling to admit your failures. And if that is your story and your pattern, the people who really value you and want to be in relationship with you may be suffering now, too. And I know you wouldn’t want that, either.

At the AACC World Conference last month, I spent time among 7,000 counselors, lay counselors, ministry leaders, and other stakeholders who care about mental wellbeing in a Christian context. In all their work and in all the research, I see that seeking counseling from those trained to help us heal is one very valuable way we can move forward in life when we are stuck.

It is not the only pattern, but it is an important one. And if we are defensive about that idea … well, maybe that is something we need to look at even more closely. Go back and read Action Steps #4 and #5, above.

In the end, taking greater responsibility for our actions—whether on our own or with help in a counseling setting—can help us knock down the destructive patterns of defensiveness in our lives. Not only will this help us mutually address issues that need attention, but it will also build better trust, caring, and even delight in our relationships.

And that’s a much, much better D-word.

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