Step #1: Give your kids freedom to solve problems
It’s one thing to try to make things easier for young kids who don’t understand how to do things. The kids appreciate it, just like we appreciated the guys going in front of us with their snowmobiles to smooth out the snow.
It’s another thing to keep trying to smooth their path by solving their problems as they get older. Our goal as parents should be, as the old saying goes, to “prepare the child for the road instead of preparing the road for the child.”
This becomes especially true in the teenage years – which is when our kids naturally are like eager young horses pulling at the bit, raring to race down that road. According to our research for For Parents Only, in response to a question about how eager they were for freedom, 72% of teens surveyed said they felt like they had to have it and were intensely motivated to pursue it.
It is developmentally healthy and appropriate for young people to jump onto that bumpy road as they move toward independence. This means, by definition, that they need to do things without us. Which also means … there will be bumps and bruises.
As parents, we can support them as they navigate bumps in the road without going ahead to clear those bumps out. (Cold hands and igloos!)
Those of us who are boy-moms need to be especially mindful: teen boys have a particularly strong need to feel trusted to solve problems. This matters to girls too, of course. But my For Parents Only found that teen boys especially longed to feel competent, looked up to, and significant. If Mom rushes to the rescue in handling a bully, for example, he will feel powerless instead of empowered. (This might come out in a sullen or withdrawn attitude – a common signal of feeling incapable and disrespected.)
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In