Step #5: When your teens make mistakes (which they will) reassure them of your love and support
What our kids need more than our oh-so-efficient snowplowing skill is our unconditional love. One of the most vital findings from the teens in our research was just how easily kids didn’t feel supported when they messed up – and how much that led them to close off their hearts.
When Junior flops his driving test, a sincere “I believe in you” (without mentioning “I told you to practice more”) can restore his confidence. He’s not dumb; he realizes he might need to practice that three-point turn a few more times.
When normally Straight-A Susie copies a friend’s homework because she didn’t get enough sleep after hanging out with friends, you can either chew out the teacher for giving her a zero (not recommended) or you can aim your best affection at your daughter – lovingly telling her you’re sorry for the consequences, but you love her and you’re proud of her for owning up to her mistake.
And what if it is something much more serious? That is when you step up onto the path, take their hand, and walk beside them through every single consequence. One teenager we talked to in the research was arrested with others at a party where drugs and alcohol were present. His parents were angry and upset, and he was feeling defensive and like a failure.
Yet in their anger, he said his father handled it in a way that changed everything. He said his dad came to the jail to pick him up. He told him, “This is going to probably involve some hard consequences. You’ll need to go to court. It will be on your record. You’ll need to do community service. But I want you to know: I love you, and I believe in you, and I will be with you every step of the way.”
This big, stoic teenage boy started tearing up as he told me that story. And candidly, I started tearing up listening to it. But that is what our teens need from us. Yes, when they make mistakes – and they will – they must know they will walk out the consequences. But they also must know that we’re with them through it all. That, in their lexicon, is what speaks unconditional love.
In the end, letting our kids overcome life’s obstacles will help them find their place in this world with greater confidence, self-agency, and resilience.
So let’s take a deep breath, and let them.
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