Step #3: Start from the assumption that there is something you can control
In the face of difficulties that seem to come up over and over (and over and over) it is easy to slip into thinking like this:
- “I guess I’m stuck with _________. There’s nothing I can do.”
- “I’ve tried and _________ is never going to improve.”
- “It’s not fair that _________ is always going to be the case.”
Now, as mentioned in Part 1, it is important to “accept” and move on from certain things that aren’t the way we want them in life or relationships. (With the important caveat that some dynamics – like physical abuse – should never be accepted.) The point here is that there are some cases in which, when we feel helpless, we don’t actually move on or take action. We feel powerless. Maybe sad. Angry. We may lash out or we may shut down.
We feel stuck.
Here’s the small but radical change we need to make. We need to start from the assumption that “There are things here that I can control.” And we can take those steps in a healthy, God-honoring way.
You may have a hard time “seeing” what you can do. If needed, enlist a wise and encouraging friend or mentor to help you brainstorm options.
As just one example, in part 2 of this series we talked about a husband, Tom, developing a “why bother” mindset because nothing he does ever seems to please his wife, Kim. It is tempting to say that the solution is simply to correct Kim’s hyper-vigilant household rules. And yes, Kim – like all of us – needs work. But so does Tom.
If Tom would be honest, there is a way forward. He’s just not fighting for it! Instead of checking out, he could communicate honestly and lovingly to Kim about how her correction – even on seemingly minor things – makes him feel. He could state what is almost certainly true, which is that he knows Kim doesn’t want to make him feel like an idiot, and ask if the two of them together could set up a system for “catching” the words that nick his raw nerve.
Even better, he could address things that Kim, on her side, feels helpless about as well. Our books For Women Only and For Men Only offer insight into these tender places in your spouse’s heart – those feelings he or she may have trouble articulating to you. If you would like to understand your spouse better based on research and surveys conducted with thousands of men and/or women, I highly recommend you pick up copies, read them together, and ask your spouse what is true of them. We have heard from thousands of readers who see their spouses in a clearer light because of these books!
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