1. “Just don’t think about it.” Women have no idea what that means. If she’s worried that her best friend suddenly isn’t talking to her, she has no way to not think about it. As men, you have this amazing ability to close out an unwelcome thought – almost like closing out a window on your computer desktop. But as we discovered in our For Men Only research, nearly nine in ten women can’t just ignore something that is bothering... Read more
Dear Shaunti, OK, awkward question but here goes: how can I convince my wife to let me see her in all her glory? We have a decent sex life, we don’t have any real marriage problems, and I’m careful to not check out other women. But she still seems to feel like how she looks is not “enough” somehow. She worries about gaining weight since the kids arrived, her “small boobs,” or the fact that she doesn’t get to the... Read more
1. Conflict. For most guys, conflict is just conflict; it is fairly easy to put it out of your head and focus on whatever you’re doing that day. But for most women… not so much. In my research for For Men Only, one woman explained it this way: “A lot of desperate feelings surface when I feel like my husband is displeased with me. I know it sounds old-fashioned, and I’m a pretty independent person, but it still really affects... Read more
Dear Shaunti, My 6th-grade son is discouraged in school and I’m worried he’s starting to check out. He tries hard, but he has some learning issues (like ADD) that create real academic challenges. Where his sisters get A’s with little effort, he can work for hours and get B’s and C’s on his tests. And the teachers are great, but they don’t seem to know how to handle his ADD. He is constantly getting detentions for disrupting class because... Read more
Dear Shaunti, In one of your books, you say it’s important to believe the best of your spouse’s intentions. But all that does is give your spouse license to hurt you again and again without consequences. Who cares what their intentions are, if the result is pain? My husband says things that are harsh to me and the kids, and then tells me “I never wanted to hurt your feelings.” Well, who cares that you didn’t want to! You did.... Read more
“Am I beautiful?” You may think your wife is beautiful, adorable, sexy, and you love to look at her. And yet…. she probably sees all her flaws instead. She has deep doubts about whether she is beautiful at all. Little girls will spin in a pretty dress, asking “Daddy, am I pretty?” And guys, your confident, grown-up wife is still that little girl inside. “Am I beautiful… to him?” Today, your confident, grown-up wife is still looking to the most important man... Read more
The day my boyfriend asked me to marry him was one of the happiest days of my life. He went all out: perfect location, meaningful words, and down on one knee with a lovely ring. At the time, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. But now, just a few months before the wedding, my ring has become a source of stress. I’d honestly like something bigger, with a bit more style. My fiancé says we don’t have that kind of money, but he doesn’t seem to have a problem buying fancy accessories for his car. I’m worried that his lack of “splurging” on my ring means that he just doesn’t prioritize what matters to me – which means he doesn’t prioritize me. What do I do with that? I’m willing to forego eating out or whatever we need to do to upgrade my ring, but he’s not budging on the budget. Read more
Welcome to the weekly list at Ask Shaunti! Each Wednesday, join me as I share a few of the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in marriages and families. Your husband wants sex? 3 things he’s not saying out loud: 1. “I need to feel desirable.” We women may think sex is just a physical need for a guy, but that’s not most of what is going on. When his wife responds to him... Read more
Dear Shaunti, I can’t wait until the presidential election is over. My husband and I were on the same page politically until a few months ago, but are now very divided. I literally can’t skim past a cable news channel without my husband trying to force me into a discussion about a political issue. He’s trying to “convert” me to his viewpoints, I won’t budge, and it’s driving him crazy. We never used to argue but now we seem to... Read more
Dear Shaunti, I recently heard you speak at a conference, and I just finished reading Through a Man’s Eyes. I thought I’d be feeling better about my husband working so hard to avert his eyes when he sees another attractive woman, but I’m still struggling big-time. When I catch my husband looking sideways, I instantly spiral down. Worry and sadness overtake me and ruin our date night. The beach used to be my favorite place, but now it’s impossible to... Read more
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