Get This, Not That (A Gift Guide for Errant Housewives): Round 1

Since there are only ten days until Christmas, I thought I should help you finish up your Christmas shopping while avoiding beginning my own. Two birds, one stone. Procrastination FTW!

Like everything related to housewifery, gift-giving is an art I have not yet mastered. But someone might as well learn from my mistakes, so we’re going to play a little game called, “Get This, Not That.” I’ll start by posting links to presents from Christmases past that were either modest successes or resounding failures. Then it’s your turn. You play by clicking the link for the item you want to buy, and then you buy it from Amazon and I get a teensy sliver of the sale price.

I know this sounds desperate, but hear me out: our couch is broken. It is sagging and has a hole in the middle, and the back is snapped and there are sharp wood things sticking out that the Ogre keeps having to nail back together. All that is bad enough, but then this morning Liam had a couldn’t-quite-make-it-to-the-potty accident and then sat next to me on the couch to tell me. Before, you know, changing. So now the couch smells like pee and I just cannot, with the pee couch. I just cannot. So consider this a corporal work of mercy, too. You’re Christmas shopping and at the same time helping me collect enough funds to buy a couch that doesn’t stab people and smell like pee. Win-win, right?

Oh, and I should mention that if you click the link to Amazon and don’t buy that particular gift but buy something else in the same visit, I still get the cash kickback. So let’s say you’re smitten with the adorably tiny teapot I bought the Ogre before I learned to do things like read product descriptions, and you intend to buy it but get sidetracked by this magic kitchen wand and buy it instead, I still get a couple dollars. Or maybe like a dollar. But with the pee couch destroying my Christmas spirit, every dollar counts.

So. Round 1: The Menfolk

If your man is anything like my Ogre, he asks for three things each Christmas: more time, more sex, and this compound bow. (I’d give you one guess at which one he gets, but you’d be wrong.)

He doesn’t let anyone else clothes-shop for him, he’s not into sports, and he’s not a gadget guy. This means that buying for him is…well, stupid impossible. Nevertheless, I’ve had some modest successes over the years — and some spectacular failures.

Get This: Shakespearean Insults Mug

Not That: Absurdly Tiny Cast-Iron Teapot

Get this: Shaving Gift Set

Not That: St. Joseph necklace with no clasp and a chain too short to go around my husband’s enormous head

Get This: The Politically Incorrect Guide to English And American Literature

Not That: Doctor Who and Philosophy: Bigger on the Inside

Get This: Freestanding Punching Bag

Not That: Men’s Ski Gloves

I could keep playing this game for hours, but I’m also supposed to be clearing a space in the living room for a tree or something, so I’m just gonna leave this here and call the end of round 1.

Come back tomorrow for Round 2: The Girlchildren