7 Reasons Why Bruce Jenner Can Still Be Catholic, But Kim Kardashian’s Butt Cannot

7 Reasons Why Bruce Jenner Can Still Be Catholic, But Kim Kardashian’s Butt Cannot February 6, 2015

I was going to write about vaccines today, but luckily I remembered that I don’t hate myself. Instead, I went with a less controversial topic — seven reasons why Bruce Jenner can still be a Catholic now that he’s transitioning to a woman, but Kim Kardashian’s butt cannot.

1. Bruce Jenner knows that even as a woman, Jesus doesn’t want him to wear yoga pants. But Kim Kardashian’s butt never asks itself what Jesus would do.

I can’t show you Kim K’s actual butt in these pants, because I don’t want you to go to hell. #brotherlylove

2. Screw Belloc — Bruce Jenner agrees with boring prudent Catholics everywhere that drinking can ruin a relationship,   but Kim Kardashian’s butt definitely does not.

3. Bruce Jenner is taking a lesson from St. Francis of Assissi and learning to love all God’s creatures. Kim Kardashian’s butt only loves the way they look draped over  it.

“The print definitely makes me pop, but I wish she’d paired this with her snakeskin boots to draw the eye upward and inspire PETA to throw more flour on me” – Kim K’s Butt

4. Bruce Jenner, svelte former Olympian that he is, could almost certainly squeeze himself into one of the teensy confessionals in the Vatican.

Anyone who can fit onto a Wheaties box can fit into the world’s smallest confessional

Kim Kardashian’s butt could not.

5. Padre Pio might give Bruce Jenner absolution

Why Bruce, what admirably long pants you have on

but he definitely wouldn’t forgive Kim Kardashian’s butt.

Sorry, Kim K’s butt, but that skirt does not pass the good Padre’s 8-inches-below-the-knee rule. Also, he heard you sometimes wear pants.

6. Pope Francis thinks that Bruce Jenner is – like all people – a son of God whom the Church loves and accepts. But he’s pretty sure that Kim Kardashian’s narcissistic butt has a mental disorder.

“It’s not narcissism when you really are the most fabulous, powerful butt in the world. It’s just reality.” – Kim K’s butt

7. As Eye of the Tiber reports, Pope Francis recently declared homosexuality obligatory for all Catholics, so transgenderism is sure to follow. It’s a slippery slope, after all, and Bruce Jenner can ride that slope straight through RCIA.

Kim Kardashian’s straight, cisgender butt, however, cannot.

Sorry, Kim. It’s not you, it’s your butt.


(Please do the Catholic thing and take this list as seriously as possible when commenting, because there is not the slightest trace of sarcasm, irony, or humor in a single word. Promise.)



photo credits:

admedia / Shutterstock.com

Everett Collection / Shutterstock.com

Joe Seer / Shutterstock.com


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