Complementarians and Hypocrisy

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Consider this a gentle warning to my fellow complementarians, from a guy who continually needs this reminder myself.

A professor once told me, “The problem with complementarianism is not exegetical–it’s practical. We all agree that the Bible teaches it, but we disagree on what it looks like.” This is true, and the compounded problem is two-fold: 1) some complementarians worship the doctrine above the gospel itself or above the implications of the doctrine for Christian living; 2) some non-complementarians are quick to equate it with patriarchy, domestic abuse, etc., leaving some disillusioned about what it actually means to be a complementarian.

It would probably be helpful, then, to sketch out my definition of complementarianism (gosh, this is a long word to write this many times!) to let you know what I believe it looks like practically. (Note: I realize that some non-complementarians would agree with some parts of this definition, especially concerning cultural issues like homosexuality and abortion. The point here is to simply talk to and about complementarians in particular.) My definition:

Complementarianism holds that men and women are created equal in the image of God, but with distinct roles in the home and in the local church. Because of the way the world twists and contorts these roles away from the biblical shape, complementarians are also particularly concerned with a few key practical issues: 1) the protection of the lives, dignity, and flourishing of women and children; 2) the responsibility of Jesus-shaped men to lead their homes and churches with humility, sacrifice, and longsuffering; and 3) the winsome, wise, and bold defense of biblical positions on marriage, gender, and sexual ethics over and against cultural shifts.

Phew. As I see it, this definition both defends the way the Bible talks about these issues, while at the same time protecting against the many abuses or applied exaggerations that can arise from sinful and/or ignorant application of complementarian principles.

When Hypocrisy Creeps In

In Genesis 3:16-19, we see clearly that sin fractured the way men and women (and by extension, mankind) relate to one another. So even a thoroughgoing biblical application of the above definition can go awry. Even with my convictions and the similar convictions of so many others, hypocrisy creeps in easily because sin indwells and festers insidiously.

Let me give three practical ways that we complementarians fall into hypocrisy, in hopes of helping us move toward repentance and growth in living out this distinct calling on our lives.

1. “Jesus, lead me, but don’t make me lead like you.” Complementarianism 101 for the home is Ephesians 5:21-33, where Paul compares the roles of husbands and wives to Christ (husband) and the Church (wife). Complementarian men love the idea of “being like Jesus” in this sense, and they love how Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice for them, but they don’t want to also be sacrificial to the point of death with their wives. The tendency, for me included, is to rest on the authority given without wanting to grind through the responsibility that comes with it.

2. “Hear my complaints, ignore my actions.” In my definition, I wanted to be clear about the way complementarianism informs and shapes sexual ethics and our out-flowing response to culture. As a group, we largely understand the beliefs and implications. The problem is, we can tend toward fighting the public wars without applying them at home. So, for example, we stand on the front lines of the divorce epidemic in the world, but we go home and treat our spouse like a second-class citizen. Or we decry abortion while not loving the children we have.

I maintain that the best way to fight against our divorce-happy, abortion-friendly culture is to model biblical marriage and parenthood to our families and neighbors as a witness to its beauty. It’s easy to rail against it on social media, blaming televangelists, egalitarians, and politicians; it’s another thing to be part of the solution.

3. “Preach on, pastor! We need you!” This point is similar to the one above, but played out differently. First, I’m convinced that the pulpit and the classroom set the tone for these discussions. Megachurches with pastors or schools with professors who capitulate on issues related to gender, marriage, sexuality, etc. likely will be full of laymen and students influenced away from biblical truths. Fair enough.

But we cannot, as complementarian men and women, sit by and assume that our pastors and leaders are the only ones who need to be fighting this fight. We often want a pastor who’ll preach against homosexuality or on “men being men,” but we ignore our roles in modeling, teaching, and voting in ways that carry these truths into societal domains that will never hear a preacher talk about it. In fact, that churches and institutions are buckling on these issues should further embolden us as individuals.

God Help Us

We don’t have to fall into hypocritical patterns of saying one thing and living out another. We can live as God calls us to live at home, at church, and in the world. Satan has no interest in God’s design being accepted in our churches and cultures. He loves to see marriages broken, sexual sin rampant, and presidents signing away the lives of innocent children. Take that to the bank.

But we have the wisdom of God behind us. We are a people that not even the gates of Hell can stop. Now, we will stumble and we will fall. I know I do. A lot. But by the grace of God, we can stand up, stare Satan in the face, and boldly press on through the power of the Spirit.