I’ve been thinking a lot about the “do you have to unfriend the Nazi” controversy. I know, I know, it’s dead. It’s buried. Long dead. Why bring it up again? Well, because I was reading a totally unrelated article about how to spot red flags for abusive relationships — and I finally figured out what it is about the controversy that bothered me so much. It’s the red flags. Woman undergoes a change in her values, personality and ideology almost… Read more
May 5, 2019
Don’t Unfriend the Nazi: How Ideological Abuse Isolates Its Victims
May 5, 2019 By Melinda Selmys
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April 30, 2019
The Powerlessness of Prayer: On Detaching with Love
April 30, 2019 By Melinda Selmys
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I had called, and shouted, and pleaded, bullied and begged, bargained and cajoled, prayed and wept a hundred thousand times for my ex to come forth, out of the tomb of his addiction, and he never did. But now, maybe, when I had let go, had moved out of God’s way, maybe now it would work? Read more
April 21, 2019
Fearful Resurrection
April 21, 2019 By Melinda Selmys
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We always see the Resurrection from the point of view of those who witnessed it. Those who saw you in the garden, who ran to see the open tomb. But I wonder, what was it like, opening your eyes in the early hours of the morning, seeing the first sliver of light as the stone rolled back, ending the eclipse of life by death. I think we often imagine it, if at all, as a something from a superhero movie…. Read more
April 14, 2019
The Power of Negative Thinking: On Trauma and Validation
April 14, 2019 By Melinda Selmys
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It was my last year of high-school, late at night, and my boyfriend, J, was driving me home. Or rather, that’s where he was supposed to be driving me. Instead, he put on some loud and violent music that I told him I didn’t like and started driving out to the middle of nowhere. As he drove, he talked about how he wanted to kill me. My emotional reaction at the time was slightly puzzling, but also pleasing to me…. Read more
April 5, 2019
28 Guaranteed Ways to Drive Any Man in the Universe Wild
April 5, 2019 By Melinda Selmys
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I recently read an article written by a Catholic woman in which she outlined ways to romance your husband. I must admit, the article left me more than a little flummoxed. The ideas put forth in the article included the suggestions “Leave a lacy unmentionable in his gym bag or briefcase so he’ll find it during the day at work;” “Go on a “New Fragrance Date” at the mall. His job is to pick out a new sexy perfume for… Read more
March 22, 2019
8 Ways Catholics May Enable Domestic Abuse
March 22, 2019 By Melinda Selmys
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In the few weeks since I started to blog about my experiences in an abusive relationship, I’ve had an opportunity to see first hand how Catholics respond to women who claim to be abused. Up front, I want to acknowledge the good: I’ve had a lot of people express support, offer prayers, share their own experiences, and thank me for bringing this issue to the fore. One friend even mailed me cookies. Another reader sent a copy of an excellent… Read more
March 18, 2019
Why Am I Still Writing For Patheos Catholic?
March 18, 2019 By Melinda Selmys
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Several months ago, I announced that I was no longer able to worship in the Catholic Church. This has prompted several people to ask, quite reasonably, why I am still blogging for the Catholic channel. They deserve an answer. When The Field Hospital Isn’t Safe First, it’s important to understand that I haven’t rejected Catholicism. I’m currently working out how I feel and think in the aftermath of an abusive marriage, and there is a strong relationship between that marriage… Read more
March 6, 2019
Sexual Coercion and Spousal Rape: What the Church Needs To Do
March 6, 2019 By Melinda Selmys
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It was after the birth of my sixth child, my family had taken my other children so that I could rest and recover with the baby, and my husband was binge drinking. For days he raged about the house while I tried to take care of a newborn. When he was closer to sober, he wanted to argue about Church sexual teaching. When he was drunk enough the pretext of theological discussion fell away and he stated his demands simply:… Read more
March 3, 2019
PSA: NFP is Not Compatible With Alcoholism or Abuse
March 3, 2019 By Melinda Selmys
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“No wonder she hates NFP so much,” the woman wrote. “NFP won’t work with an alcoholic.” In all of the years that I practiced and researched natural family planning – in all of the articles and studies that I read – do you know how many times I encountered this piece of invaluable wisdom? None. Of course now that I’ve seen it laid out, simply, in print, I can see that it’s obvious. Alcoholism involves an inability to take responsibility… Read more
February 26, 2019
Fault on His Side: Addiction and Culpability Pt 2
February 26, 2019 By Melinda Selmys
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One of the things that made it difficult for me to end my relationship with my alcoholic husband was a feeling that I was being unfair to him. After all, if alcoholism is an illness and drinking is a symptom of the disease then how can you hold someone responsible? If it’s not a voluntary thing, then it seems that the person isn’t really culpable for their behaviour. Certainly he didn’t seem to think that he was free to stop… Read more
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