I was there so often I was granted a key
Yes, a church key
No, not the kind used to open a bottle
It was my very own, until further notice, church key
I did not flaunt it
But I did spend countless hours cleaning, taking care of the plants
And best of all in prayer, prayer journaling-and writing some of my most devout poetry
Before the Tabernacle in front of my Love’s home
I was a working contemplative but did not know it yet
At night I’d go in the side entrance with the key and up the steps
To be alone with Him
I lost that freedom on a dark night and the days became dark too
I did not lose the key then, just the right to be alone there in the dark of night
When I visited alone, after work, my Love was in His home but void to me now
I felt empty, tears ran down my cheeks, my prayers seemed hollow, not holy, just empty
If I never had the key at all I would not have realized how lonely I’d be without Him
Nor the depth His of Love
Thank God for the key in what seems like something from another, much younger, life
You did not lose Jesus
Jonnie Michell said “You don’t know what you have till you lose it.” I can’t agree more. We have all felt some kind of loss in our lives. Loss can be devastating. What one person just seems to suffer through and come out appearing well enough, another in what seems, on paper, to have less of a loss can lead to crippling depression, anxiety, loneliness etc.
We must remember that there is help out there for people who seem to grow a mental illness because of life’s tough circumstances and those who inherit a mental illness biologically. There is no shame in reaching out for help. I’m not down playing anyone’s sufferings, rather the opposite.
We can also suffer a spiritual darkness. This is not apathy but the opposite, mixed with suffering that feels like depression or loneliness. Who do we miss in this instance? God. Even if we are trying to pray, attending daily Mass, receiving the sacraments etc. Our greatest Love seems to be hiding Himself from us. That feels painful.
God never promised that Christians would not suffer. The gospel of prosperity is a lie. Jesus himself suffered a lot. He died for us. We are meant to offer up our sufferings. In doing so we are relying more on God and less on ourselves. He is our true happiness. It sometimes happens that when a spiritual suffering of this sort seems to end, we are more joyful and more in love with Jesus than we might have been had we not suffered at all.
When we feel like we have lost Jesus he is right there with us making our faith and trust in Him stronger. He is the key to our eternal happiness.