Today I went to confession. I talked with a friend and my husband made dinner. It was a good day, but not without reminding me all along the way, that the path to salvation for all of us, involves accompanyment with the other –whoseover the other is.
We tend to forget that even just asking for others to pray can lighten our own hearts’ burden.
It’s why the mass has petitions.
So I sat there thinking about the hard reality, of how difficult it’s been for me to pray since my mother died. The rosary is hard. Novenas are hard. Mass is difficult. I am everywhere hyper distracted and overwhelmed by how present it all feels at the same time. Prayers feel route, even when they are not. There’s just a dullness of spirit that cannot be understood except as the consequence of grief not yet processed, not yet understood. Confession allowed me to begin.
Here, I will attempt to finish at least the prayers for today.
So I began. Praying the creed.
And I get through the Our Father and three Hail Mary’s and stall out again.
It’s the Sorrowful Mysteries…and there are so many to petition.
The Agony in the Garden –for all those told, to just go somewhere else. Hail Mary…
For all those who are afraid. Hail Mary…
And all those who love those who are afraid. Hail Mary…
For all worried about their jobs. Hail Mary…
And all those worried about the jobs they may be asked to do. Hail Mary…
All those who need the aid that’s been stopped. –Hail Mary…
Those souls who cheer the stopping of aid. –Hail Mary…
Everyone in the path of how we are going. –Hail Mary…
All forging that path…Hail Mary…
Pray pray pray. Hail Mary, full of grace…
And I made it to the Glory Be.
The grace of confession allowed me to perservere despite myself at least through a decade.
My priest is eighty-eight years old, and told me I am always part of two families –the human one, and God’s. I’ve thought about that a lot today. The students, they’re my children. All of them are. My collegues, they’re my brothers and sisters, all of them. I keep discovering new family I need to know better, to spend more time with –it’s what makes Heaven sound so wonderful. We will have all the time needed to know all of them.
The second sorrowful mystery is the scourging at the pillar.
It is here I dwell on all the ways I’ve hurt people. With words, with silence, with whatever ways I’ve failed to see the person in front of me whosoever it is, as part of my family, a piece of my heart that I’ve not discovered.
Our Father…for all those I’ve scourged.
But it’s not just who we hurt, but whose hurts we hold onto –that we allow to reinjure ourselves.
Hail Mary…to forgive the hurts.
To not be defined by the hurts. Hail Mary.
Everyone we encounter has been injured by the fallen nature of this world –by what we do not see, by what we do not know, and by what we do not do when we do see and do know. Hail Mary.
And again, Hail Mary, and again, Hail Mary.
The prayers don’t come easy, but I keep trying. Hallowed by thy name…and with two more, I’ve made it through one more decade.
The third mystery is the crowning of thorns –and I don’t know anyone in this day and age that does not feel plagued by at least as many worries as there are Hail Mary’s in the rosary. Our Father, who art in Heaven….the typing helps me to keep at it, when I’m tempted to stop, to be distracted by all the things I could find for distraction.
And so the third decade begins. Hail Mary, full of grace…
This should be getting easier, but it’s not. I’m out of practice praying for a long stretch but I say the next Hail Mary.
Petitions…for peace…Hail Mary…
for victims of violence in word, deed, law, war, and everyday….Hail mary…full of grace.
The fifth Hail Mary….sixth…hail mary…seventh…hail mary….and I wonder, is writing helping me get to the eighth, ninth and tenth, or helping me stall.
There are five minutes left in the day. The fourth sorrowful mystery is the carrying of the cross. Here, I think of all the crosses I see, and have been given the gift of knowing, all the people seeking to somehow have less of a burden. I try to grit through it…Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary…and I get distracted again. Man am I out of practice. Hail Mary, and I don’t let myself type the words until I say it, and I say the next one and the next, and the next. One more, come on one more…and I type it to make sure I say it. Hail Mary, full of grace….and I made it to the Glory Be…one more decade to go.
The final myster is at the foot of the cross –and that’s where I’ve been whether I know it or not, since December 3rd. I haven’t left that moment –and I keep getting reminded when movies use death as a plot device, or phrases like, “I could have just died…” pop up and I feel the reality of being there. “Embrace the cross.” I told myself was the theme of the year. Why’d I pick such a stupid hard theme? What a dummy!
And the final decade begins. I don’t write them down, I just say them. Made it through the whole of the decades. When I get to the Hail Holy Queen, I’m grateful.
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