I tried to watch the Grammies, but they didn’t pull me in, not with the songs or the dance or the spectacle. I recognized the art, I love a lot of the artists. Thanks to some of my adult children, I’ve learned how to dance to “Hot to Go,” and laughed at the tongue in cheek lyrics of Sabrina Carpenter, and I’ve enjoyed my fair share of Lady Gaga and Beyonce over the years. But the show didn’t pull me in, it pushed me away.
Some part of me is looking for something to plunge into, so I’m not as aware of the world. With our curren administration’s breath taking taking over of multiple agencies that includes new power grabs daily, it’s hard not to feel deep concern as to where we are going as a nation. When people without elected power have access to all that information, one has to pause and wonder, are we still a free people, or are we merely being appraised as to the asking price?
My students ask, “Are we safe.” and we tell them yes, but the question in being asked, indicates the perception is otherwise.
The worries of home pile up as well, with helping one to discern where she wants to go to college, and another, to high school, and all the individual worries that come with having adult children with free will and all their own decisions. My own heart tremors with the worries and then there is the grief, my friend that is a constant shadow of everything. I miss my mom and notice her absence most in the afternoon after work, when I would call her to tell her about my day, my students, my kids, my writing, my hopes, my worries. She was a way of helping me to process my thoughts and feelings and integrate all of it.
Now, it is in prayer. I can tell Mom everything. I tell Dad too, and God hears it all. Pouring out the heart does not come easy, because I don’t want to have every feeling tumble out of me. If I allow all to fall, it feels like it won’t stop and I’ll drown in it. Grief does that, it starts with a tear and turns into a tsunami. I use work as a means of keeping myself from getting overwhelmed, but it shows up anyway, because eventually, I get to the moment in the day when I’m still and that’s when I hear God, and God gets an earful from my heart.
God waits for me to unburden myself, and when I finally allow it, I wonder why I held on to it. God wants to help us through the pain, and to make it into something holy. Hoarding the grief prevents God from using it to make my own soul into something better.
Looking online or watching the news can lead me back into a “where is the hope?” space, but I know that’s short sighted and simplistic. God is here, and we’re here in this time and place, to be witnesses to God’s presence to others. So pray, hope and don’t worry, God is here and wants true peace in all our hearts more than we do.
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