Going to mass today, my daughter cantored the mass. My Guardian Angel decided it was time to give me an assessment of myself.
“Hey Sherry. How’s your Lent going?”
(The Guardian Angel brings a mallet so she can knock me up side the head).
“Well, I gave up Coke Zero –which I’d been drinking like a fish.”
And?
“I only broke the fast twice –and once was that Wednesday.”
“I’m not counting that one –and the fasting isn’t for the purpose of simply helping you cut your caffiene consumption.”
“Right.”
“And the rest of it?”
“Honestly, I’ve been overwhelmed and constantly doing doing doing.”
“Yes. That’s correct. Your prayer life has been…”
“Less than stellar. My interior castle is more like a pop-up tent.”
So I sat there trying to pray and still with the music and the mass, my soul wandered. It is why I think Jesus calls himself the good shepherd. We are stupid sheep, and Lent makes one remember, that’s what we are. We get lost. We get confused. We wander. My prayer life had wandered.
Even knowing that, holding that insight, I struggled to carve out time.
We needed to take my son to get a hair cut, shoes, pick up presents for my oldest son’s birthday (this Wednesday), and get our two daughters home for Spring Break back to their respective colleges. I collapsed when we all returned from the errands. Grading still loomed, even though I’d graded a ton on Friday and some on Saturday. The list of and, and, and, left me not yet doing what I’d been reminded I needed to be doing.
It wasn’t until 11:13 pm, that I sat and wrote these words and recognized, I’d allowed the whole day to run away from me from mass on. The gospel words from today, “Jesus was perturbed.” made me both smile and recognize, I was perturbing my Lord. If I persisted in not turning my heart to prayer, “Jesus would be perturbed again.”
So I stopped writing. Realized I needed to get dressed for bed. Laid out the clothes for tomorrow, recognized I’m procrastinating and managed the Apostle’s Creed, Our Father and three Hail Mary’s. Still needed to brush my teeth. The First Glorious Mystery…Our Father, Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary…
I need to take my medicine, turn off lights. Our Father…Second Joyful..Luminous..Sorrowful…no…Glorious Mystery. Jesus is not perturbed but Sherry is. Hail Mary…and I remember to mention my children, one for each Hail Mary. It occurs to me, I’d suffered panic attacks since Paul’s running away and my prayer life has been gratitude, but I haven’t simply prayed.
The third mystery…my personal favorite of all mysteries. I’ve always loved Holy Spirit. Just as I’m getting into the groove of praying, life interrupts. My son comes downstairs. He’s been put to bed three times already. The dog leaps after him, barking because he runs back up when I call him out about being up. I must start up again. The Assumption…I am forcing this to happen.
Getting to the final decade, it hasn’t been that long and still, I am slogging through it. Glory Be to…and Hail Holy Queen…and just like that, I have to wonder, how I haven’t had the time. The Guardian Angel gut checks me, “You’ve had the time. You’ve not used it.” and I wonder, could I start the day that way…we’ll see. What I do know, is this sheep is sheerly grateful that Jesus, though perturbed with me on occasion, does not tire of trying to get me back into the thick of things.
Happy Lent. We’re a week from Palm Sunday. Let’s go deeper in.
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