Mount Sinai, New York – Faith-based retail giant, Mardel’s Christian Bookstore, is investigating a report that a man, named Daniel Rembrandt, has been wandering one of their stores for 40 years searching for the Theology book section. The claim was filed by another shopper who purportedly crossed paths with Mr. Rembrandt 2 weeks ago in the communion supplies isle.
While there have been rumors of sightings (and debunked blurry videos) for decades, this time the report is understood to be valid.
“The first thing that struck me about the man was his long beard, staff, and tattered clothes. It was clear he had been here a very long time,” explained Mardel’s shopper Pastor Susan Jones. “After introductions, he asked me about the Theology book section and mentioned that he had been looking for it since 1978. While I was appalled to hear Mardel’s might have a Theology section, he assured me it was there and that he would reach it one day. Devastated, I told him I would get help. But, when I returned with someone from Mardel’s Search & Rescue, he was gone.”
Usually tucked away in the back of the store, or sometimes in a rear of cleaning supplies closet, the Theology book section at Mardel’s is an often unmarked, low traffic, and low revenue producing department. Most people who find it do so on accident. The Christian retailer has considered getting rid of it, but, upon further analysis, felt it was important to keep for their Calvinistic customers. Its generally understood that a Theology section works well to distract such shoppers from the heretical books and the pictures of Jesus (second commandment violations) in the store. The risk of damaged goods from overturned tables is too much.
Commenting on the recent sighting, a Mardel’s spokesperson stated, “we encourage any customer wanting to locate the Mardel’s Theology book section to utilize our complimentary GPS units or Sherpa guides. To search the store without such an aid is highly ill advised and may result in death or injury. That being said, if there is a lost man in one of our stores, a Mardel’s Search and Rescue team will find him.”
“I didn’t even know we had a section like that” gasped Becky Brown, career Mardel’s Store Manager and Michael W. Smith superfan. “Until now, when a shopper asked about theology books we would direct them to the Chris Tomlin CD’s. I assumed that’s what they were really after anyway. Now that I’m aware of it, I’m curious what’s back there. Theology in a Christian book store? A very strange thing, indeed!”
Rescue teams will begin searching the store this weekend in hopes to locate the estranged man. If found, its expected he will be awarded with a 40% off 1 item coupon (not applicable on books, sale items, or cringe-worthy Christian t-shirts) for his troubles.
UPDATE: Mardel’s has confirmed the whereabouts of Daniel Rembrandt. Unfortunately, he was found deceased and only few feet away (within sight) of the promised ‘Theology’ book section.