Mardel’s Shopper Wanders Store 40 Years Looking For ‘Theology’ Book Section

Mardel’s Shopper Wanders Store 40 Years Looking For ‘Theology’ Book Section May 10, 2018



Mount Sinai, New York  – Faith-based retail giant, Mardel’s Christian Bookstore, is investigating a report that a man, named Daniel Rembrandt, has been wandering one of their stores for 40 years searching for the Theology book section. The claim was filed by another shopper who purportedly crossed paths with Mr. Rembrandt 2 weeks ago in the communion supplies isle.

While there have been rumors of sightings (and debunked blurry videos) for decades, this time the report is understood to be valid.

“The first thing that struck me about the man was his long beard, staff, and tattered clothes. It was clear he had been here a very long time,” explained Mardel’s shopper Pastor Susan Jones. “After introductions, he asked me about the Theology book section and mentioned that he had been looking for it since 1978. While I was appalled to hear Mardel’s might have a Theology section, he assured me it was there and that he would reach it one day. Devastated, I told him I would get help. But, when I returned with someone from Mardel’s Search & Rescue, he was gone.”

Usually tucked away in the back of the store, or sometimes in a rear of cleaning supplies closet, the Theology book section at Mardel’s is an often unmarked, low traffic, and low revenue producing department. Most people who find it do so on accident. The Christian retailer has considered getting rid of it, but, upon further analysis, felt it was important to keep for their Calvinistic customers.  Its generally understood that a Theology section works well to distract such shoppers from the heretical books and the pictures of Jesus (second commandment violations) in the store. The risk of damaged goods from overturned tables is too much.

Commenting on the recent sighting, a Mardel’s spokesperson stated, “we encourage any customer wanting to locate the Mardel’s Theology book section to utilize our complimentary GPS units or Sherpa guides. To search the store without such an aid is highly ill advised and may result in death or injury. That being said, if there is a lost man in one of our stores, a Mardel’s Search and Rescue team will find him.”

“I didn’t even know we had a section like that” gasped Becky Brown, career Mardel’s Store Manager and Michael W. Smith superfan. “Until now, when a shopper asked about theology books we would direct them to the Chris Tomlin CD’s. I assumed that’s what they were really after anyway. Now that I’m aware of it, I’m curious what’s back there. Theology in a Christian book store? A very strange thing, indeed!”

Rescue teams will begin searching the store this weekend in hopes to locate the estranged man. If found, its expected he will be awarded with a 40% off 1 item coupon (not applicable on books, sale items, or cringe-worthy Christian t-shirts) for his troubles.

UPDATE: Mardel’s has confirmed the whereabouts of Daniel Rembrandt. Unfortunately, he was found deceased and only few feet away (within sight) of  the promised ‘Theology’ book section.

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  • jaaigner

    This was a worthy subject and a good try. I am annoyed by the rather obvious characterization of a woman pastor as someone who would have no use for a theology section. If that is your understanding of female pastors, please allow me to introduce you to a few.

    • Tianzhu

      I’ve met some who are into feminist theology – argh. Like all forms of liberation theology, it’s me-centered, feeling-centered, and far removed from God-centered. The old guard of feminist theologians, like Rosemary Reuther, reached a relatively small audience. Now there’s that Rachel Evans, whose so-called education consists of a BA in English from Bryan College, writing best-sellers in which she tells women that any part of Scripture that makes them feel guilty or stressed is not really from God, and she seems to have a large cult following.

      • Jonathan

        I’m legitimately confused. Rachel Held Evans has never claimed to be a pastor, nor have I ever read anything like what you’re attributing to her. No, I’ve known a higher percentage of female pastors than male who were legit interested in theology.

        • Tianzhu

          Raised SB, now PCUSA. I can see where you’d like Evans. An “ex” always connects with its own kind.

          How’s that liberalism working out for the PCUSA? Drawing in lots of new members?

          1983: 3.1 million
          2016: 1.4 million

          Lost a third of its membership just in the past decade. That’s pretty impressive, losing even faster than the Episcopalians. Evans became an Episcopalian – well, they need all the the help they can get. The mainline denominations are going to need a whole lot more disgruntled ex-evangelicals if they’re going to avoid total extinction. I expect to see the mainlines all die in my lifetime.

  • Tianzhu

    I had never heard of Mardel’s before reading this. I’m glad there are a few brick-and-mortar Christian stores still around. Zondervan’s large chain of Family Christian Stores went belly-up last year. The Berean Christian Stores were floundering, but I think they were absorbed by the Southern Baptists’ Lifeway chain. The United Methodist Cokesbury stores went extinct in 2013.

    It’s worth noting that “Christian bookstores” gradually became “Christian stores,” selling more CDs and bric-a-brac than actual books. Even Lifeway (which began as Baptist Bookstores) doesn’t use “book” in its name. Let’s be honest: the average churchgoer in America isn’t that much into reading the Bible, much less reading theology. Our electronic toys are making sustained and profound thought even less common than before. In the Middle Ages, most people couldn’t read. In the 21st century, people can, but don’t.