CHESAPEAKE, VA – The friends and family of Jon Kilgore were elated when they heard the news that Jon, a new calvinist, had made it a full 19 hours without trying to debate theology with someone. The 19 hour mark smashed his previous record of 45 minutes.
“We are so proud of our boy, Jon” commented Jane Kilgore, his mother. “He has spent the better part of 6 months looking for any and every opportunity to tell someone why they are wrong and why Calvinism is right. Perhaps, he is finally leveling out.”
Jon recently accepted reformed theology after getting involved in a local RUF (Reformed University Fellowship) group in a nearby college. It was here he was confronted with difficult text in the bible that eventually led him to accept Calvinist theology as true. Since then, sources say, he has gone out of his way to debate theology and convince everyone why they are wrong.
“I knew Jon had a problem when he told me that he knew he won a debate when his opponent, a 12 year old girl, started crying” lamented his RUF Pastor Brent Smith. “This simply isn’t what I teach my students. I need to help him. Join me as we pray for him.”When asked about the intensity and frequency of his conversations, he had this to say “I might have been a little forceful in the past. But it was with great intent. I mean, it’s not your fault that everything you know about the bible, Jesus, and salvation is a lie. Wake up sheeple. Furthermore, have you even read Romans 9? No you haven’t. Let me read it to you.”
Jon snapped the 19 hour debate drought after running into an acquaintance in public restroom. It was awkward.
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