Church Sign Epic Fails, “Ugly Relatives” Edition

Church Sign Epic Fails, “Ugly Relatives” Edition January 26, 2014

I walk into church and, all of a sudden, the Queer Eye guys jump out and start giving me a makeover! That Carson is such a character…

Every time junior get another mohawk haircut, he makes Jesus cry.
I suppose it’s better than a church full of ugly relatives.
It’s even worse when he gets, like, an inch from you and does the whole “I’m not touching you” thing. No annoying.
Well if you kept touching me all the time, I might too.
Ahh, well this does help explain the touching thing.
Again, with the touching…geez.
The reason they only meet once a month is because it takes the other three weeks to get the name right. And “predestinarian?” I’m. calling B.S.: that sounds totally made up.
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  • Deborah Kauffman

    I’m wondering what a primative Baptist is.

    • Whatever it is, it must be an earlier form of our current ‘Predestinarianism.’

    • Alan Christensen

      It’s a Baptist caveman.

      • Do Baptists believe in cavemen?

    • Sharla Hulsey

      I found this in the FAQ section of a Primitive Baptist site with very primitive web design (

      “Primitive Baptist ancestors have been called by various
      names over the ages. The name Primitive Baptist became
      popular in the early 1800s when the term primitive conveyed
      the idea of originality rather than backwardness. Accordingly, Primitive
      Baptists claim to maintain the doctrines and practices of the
      original Baptists, who are claimed to be the New Testament church.

      “Primitive also conveys the idea of simplicity.
      This well describes the Primitive Baptists, whose church services
      consist of nothing more than preaching, praying, and singing.

      “Even though this name can convey a misimpression under
      modern connotation, it also has some benefits; one being that
      it provokes interest and questions, which is of course the reason
      that you are reading this FAQ.”

    • Lamont Cranston

      Footwashers. As my mother learned back in 1968 or so, heaven help you if you step into one of their churches and they have no idea who you are.

  • Sharla Hulsey

    If I came to church and the Queer Eye guys were the greeters, I’d join that very day.

  • Comet Bowen

    In regard to your last sign, the name is not made up. It identifies within their theology the extent of predestination that they believe exists. Wardin identifies “Primitive Baptists — Predestinarian” (aka “Absoluters”) as one branch of Primitive Baptists (who in turn are one of the “tribes” of Baptist churches) and says that in 2000 there were 243 Predestinarian congregations and 39 associations (reference: page 93. A.W. Wardin, Jr., 2007. The Twelve Baptist Tribes in the USA. Atlanta and Nashville: Baptist History and Heritage Society and Fields Publishing).