Why I Started a Family Unemployed

Why I Started a Family Unemployed December 5, 2018

Americans are having fewer children than ever before.

Why?

Well according to to the Deseret News’ recent American Family Survey, the most common factor in deciding to have children was finances. 97% said financial considerations were important. This was higher than be married, be in a relationship, have health insurance.

All of which is to say, apparently I’m weird. Really weird.

I graduated with a degree in English (would you like fries with that) in the late spring. And while many of my peers used the writing and analysis skills they honed to take jobs across the marketplace, I looked for a career in writing.

The next fall, my wife started graduate school, while my career still consisted of taking whatever tutoring-side-gigs I could find.

Our life savings were dwindling, neither of us was bringing in any income to speak of, and we decided it was the perfect time to have our first child.

What?

Or to put this into a more accurate vernacular:

What!?!?!????!!

But honestly, it wasn’t until I was reading the new study that I ever framed our decision in terms of money. And seriously, what were we thinking?

If anyone should know, it’s probably me. And having been there only five years ago, I should remember. \

1. We Had Been Married Two Years

If I learned anything from elementary school, it was that after Christopher and Susan were kissing in the tree, first came love, then came marriage, then came a baby in a baby carriage.

As evidenced by our two-year wait, we were in no rush to have children. But our second anniversary gave us occasion to consider the purpose and direction of our relationship. We were one another’s partners, but in what?

Certainly, there were lots of ways we could answer that question. But the way every one of our ancestors answered that question was the same: children.

In two years, we had built a durable and strong relationship. We had overcome difficulties, learned to communicate in things big and small, learned to sacrifice and compromise, and learned one another’s strengths, weaknesses, and insufferable quirks. We had something that could withstand the long nights and difficult disagreements.

We had built a love that could nurture and protect a child.

The number one consideration for us was whether or not our relationship was mature enough to handle a child and give the child what he or she needed. And it was.

2. I was Racing Down 30

You don’t have to travel far through the internet before tripping over an article debunking the myth that you have to have had your children by this or that arbitrary age. This is quintuply true for me, a man, who can in theory sire children indefinitely (this is not a statement on speculative doctrine).

So even if we accept that all that is true (it’s a mish-mash) who cares how old you are? Well, I do.

Child rearing is exhausting work. And I can barely keep up with my one year old now. How old do you really want to be changing 3 am diapers? How old do you really want to be driving kids to 6 am seminary?

I wanted children, but I also wanted to then not have children. At least not in my home.

And because I was so bad at dating, by the time I did it right, there was only so much time left to have children if I wanted to do it before I started saying things like “that’s my bad knee.” (Which FYI, didn’t quite make it on that particular one.)

When we decided to have children, I just had my 29th birthday. If I wanted to start a family before thirty, there wasn’t much time.

So honestly, our second consideration was our age and what kind of parents we wanted to be.

3. We Wanted Our Options to Stay Open

The other major consideration for us was how big of a family we wanted. And for us the answer was a big whopping, I don’t know.

But we were both wise enough to recognize that if we were indecisive about having a family, that would make our decision for us. So if we wanted to have the choice to have four or five children, we knew we needed to leave enough time so that we had those options available to us.

There is something intimidating about scheduling out, okay if we want the option of having so many kids, and we want to space them out this much, then we need to start having children _____ .

And what we realized is that some options were already closed to us, we couldn’t have as big a family as we possibly wanted, spreading out the children as much as we wanted, and ending by the age we wanted. It was already impossible.

We were pretty open about the compromise in number, frequency, or age that we realized we’d have to make. But we also immediately recognized that every day longer we waited more of those compromises were being forced on us. And we didn’t want that.

4. We Wanted to Do Our Part

The world needs children. Raising children is hard. I wanted to do my part.

A number of people, especially recently, opt out of having children voluntarily. They don’t want to deal with it.

Frankly, five years later, I get it. Having kids is aggravating and exhausting, a roller-coaster of “it used to be a lot easier.”

But blame the Boy Scouts, I guess, but I grew up with a sense of duty. And while life certainly would be easier without children, that hardly seems like a compelling case for how to make decisions with deep societal consequences.

5. We Wanted Kids

Courtesy SMBC Comics

But please don’t get all the duty and exhaustion talk confused with not wanting kids. Clearly, I felt I should have kids regardless of whether I wanted them.

But I did want them.

Do you know how satisfying it is to know that you are molding the minds that will make the future? You do if you have children.

It is a huge responsibility to have to create a den of love and teaching and safety for new people. But when you manage it (or something resembling it) it is supremely satisfying.

Plus, and this can’t be overstated, while kids are annoying, their annoying-ness is inversely proportional to how cute they are (at least until they are teenagers.)

The laughs and joy my children have brought into my home now define my sense of happiness and well being.

One of the questions on the Deseret News survey was what was essential to living a fulfilling life. 77% said making a good living. 71% said education. But only 31% and 36% said being married and having children respectively.

I don’t believe any one thing is necessary for a fulfilling life. People can overcome circumstances to find fulfillment wherever they are.

That being said, boy did the respondents to this survey get it backward.

If you think that promotion made for a good life, try having your non-“L”-pronouncing two-year-old loudly identify all the clocks at church. If you think you felt fulfillment when that peer-reviewed publication went through, try wiping off a tear after the fourth vomit of the night. If that ever higher number on your paycheck gives you the fuzzies, imagine a four year old looking up from the TV without prompting:

“Hey Dad”

“Yeah Buddy”

“I love you.”

6. We had Support

I don’t mean to diminish the fact that ultimately kids do cost money. And if you don’t have any of that you should probably find a way to get some. We were in the situation where my wife and I were talented educated people, and we knew that in the long run we were lucky enough to not have money define our lives.

But we were lucky in another way. As members of the Church, we knew support was always there.

I remember weeks after my wife getting pregnant, I spoke to the bishop and mentioned that we were expecting, I was scared, and that we might need help. I could move forward with confidence knowing that support was there. Not everyone has that support, but even if you aren’t a member of the Church of Jesus Christ you might find that same support among family, friends, or groups you are a part of.

When you frame the question in terms of money, having a kid when we did doesn’t make any sense. But there were so many other more valuable interesting ways to frame the question. Only weeks after we conceived I got the internship that turned into the job I have to do this day. My wife’s graduate school has turned into two professional licenses. And that baby has turned into our little boy who has enriched my life more than I can measure.

I have no regrets.

And while I certainly won’t say you need to follow my path, I will say it worked for me, so maybe consider it. Unlike money, children are of infinite worth.

Edit:

I didn’t want to say other people are doing it wrong. But based on the comments and response on social media, I wanted to make two points about the ways people think about money in terms of having children that may be preventing them from enjoying all the blessings of children they would like.

  1. “Our financial situation is static. And if it changes, it will be because of unexpected bad news.” But it’s just not true in most situations. Generally, people’s earning power increases over time. And a newborn does not cost nearly as much as a sixteen-year-old. If you’re waiting to be able to afford to put your child through college before you have a newborn, you are having fewer children than you can afford.
  2. “We want to provide for our child at the lifestyle we are accustomed to.” The trouble with this is that children cost money, so when you have one you will have to adjust your lifestyle. Children don’t need the best life possible, they need loving parents. And waiting until you can afford to buy your children all the things you couldn’t get as a child can rob both of you of years of meaningful relationships.

 

 

 

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • TinnyWhistler

    Wait, so is it more entitled for millennials to not have children (which is selfish) or to and have kids and expect someone else to foot the bill (which is selfish)?

    I know many, many people who believe children have infinite worth, so they won’t have them until they know that they will be able to adequately provide for them and see it as putting the children’s wellbeing above their own desire to have kids.

  • The Last Danite

    > have kids and expect someone else to foot the bill

    Did you miss the part where he went to the Bishop to receive aid from the Church and not the taxpayer?

  • TinnyWhistler

    Wait, is the Bishop not someone other than himself? Is he the same person as the tithers?

  • The Last Danite

    You missed the point. Getting help from a volunteer run religious organization which receives funding from people by choice is very different than getting it from the government who takes it’s funds by force.

  • Christopher D. Cunningham

    I mean, do whatever you want, I guess. When I saw the survey, I just realized that my thinking was very different than most people’s so it seemed worth sharing. And it’s worked out. We had kids and footed (fit, fat, footeded?) the bill ourselves, so I’m not sure it’s an either/or situation.

  • TinnyWhistler

    I didn’t say anything about the government or force? All I said was that following that model is expecting other people to pick up your slack financially because of a personal desire to have children.

  • skenl

    Ultimately, initially getting such financial help (whether from a voluntarily funded charity or from government) may pay dividends to society in years to come. Americans are not reproducing to replace population numbers. More children being born means more workers paying into social security 30 years from now, to fund people then retiring. It also negates the need to increase numbers through immigration.

  • Harold Rust

    My next door neighbor, a good friend of 30 years, lost his wife five years ago. One of his 3 daughters call him almost every day; that really keeps him hopeful while living in a large, lonely house. In any five minute conversation, he will bring up the long-term value of children. Unfortunately, though, none of his daughters will probably ever bear a child based on their actions so far and their comments on their non-interest in being “bothered” by child-rearing. It is an interesting phenomenon for me to observe because those three girls are in many ways part of our family (we neighbors celebrated just about everything together) and I realize it might not be until about the time they turn 60 that the absence of children will really strike them as a tough reality. This article highlights the benefits of carefully thinking it through at a time when it may be most challenging to, in fact, bring children into your world.