4 things married men need to START doing

4 things married men need to START doing October 15, 2015

couple kiss

Last month, I wrote a post that went viral on the 9 things married men need to stop doing and my amazing wife Ashley also wrote a popular post on the things married women need to stop doing. These posts started a lot of conversations, and hopefully, they’ve been helpful in creating some healthy new habits in many marriages. As a followup, I wanted to take a more positive perspective and focus in on those important things husbands need to START doing (or KEEP doing if you’ve already started).

This is not a comprehensive list, and many married guys are doing these already, but I believe these are good reminders for all of us. I’m certainly not writing this with a judgmental tone; I’m listing the very things I need to be reminded of myself! Guys, I hope this simple list encourages you to take action to make some improvements in your relationship. Ladies, please don’t use this list as a scorecard to keep track of your husband’s performance, but rather, as a conversation starter to talk more openly about his needs and your own and how you can both work together to strengthen the relationship.

In no particular order, here are things married men need to START doing (or KEEP doing):

1. Speak with a warm, encouraging TONE in your voice.

Guys, we’re sometimes tempted to treat our home like a locker room where we can bark out our words and demands in an aggressive, condescending or competitive tone. The words we speak will have tremendous impact in our marriages, but the tone of those words matters just as much as the words themselves. You may not realize how you’re sounding, but chances are, your wife would appreciate more warmth, tenderness and kindness in your tone. Ask her. It may create some valuable conversation.

Dave Willis marriage quote tone words

2. Do something romantic EVEN when it’s not a holiday.

Most guys will get some flowers to do some thoughtful on Valentine’s Day or a birthday, but it’s on those many “ordinary” days in between where romance and thoughtfulness are most important. Surprise your wife with some unexpected romance. Send a love letter. Bring home flowers on a random Tuesday. Take her out to a nice dinner when she’s not expecting. Show her by your actions that you’re still crazy about her and give her the continuous pursuit her heart desires. For some creative ways to help you get started, listen to this free clip from my “iVow: Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” audiobook

3. Tell her she’s BEAUTIFUL.

Most guys are willing to say, “I love you” with some regularity, but few guys see the importance of saying, “Wow! You are so beautiful!” Even though you might be thinking it every time you look at her, she doesn’t know what you’re thinking. You need to say it out loud. She wants to hear those words from you and she wants to hear them OFTEN.


I hear men often talk about how they wish their wives would regularly initiate sex, but those same men are often oblivious to the fact that their wife has a strong desire for him to initiate more conversation. Your wife feels close to you when you’re communicating. Her questions aren’t intended to interrogate you about the details of your day; she simply wants to connect with your world. Open up to her. Call and text her through the day. Turn off your phone at night and have uninterrupted conversation. It could make a world of difference in your marriage.

For more tools to help you build a rock-solid marriage, check out my bestselling book iVow: Secrets to a Stronger Marriage which is now also available on iTunes as an Audiobook for iPhones and iPods (by clicking here).

Also, check out our popular video course on sex and intimacy marriage.

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  • Nick Stuart

    Per #4, Initiate Conversation. Many men have learned this is not a good idea, because they can never predict where the conversation is going to go. Here are some simple tips for any woman who wants more conversation:

    1. Let him start a sentence occasionally
    2. Let him finish a sentence once he starts it
    3. Don’t punish him if he doesn’t say exactly what you want to hear, exactly the way you want to hear it

    Many women really don’t want to know what their husband/boyfriend is really thinking, they want to know that their husband/boyfriend is thinking what they want them to be thinking.

    Many men have learned from hard and unhappy experience that the penalty for saying the wrong thing is so much more painful than saying nothing, that they’re better off just keeping their mouths shut and their thoughts to themselves

  • NaSegura

    I think you missed the point of #4….having a heart to heart is one thing while merely saying that we as women need conversation from our husbands is another! I agree with this blog 100%….women need communication as much as men need sex!

  • Will Killyou

    Sounds more like instructions for how to live life like an emasculated fagot!

  • Nat the Brat

    Gr8 b8 m8 i r8 8/8 no h8