5 things every married couple needs to know about SEX.

5 things every married couple needs to know about SEX. September 6, 2013

You can Get a free sneak peak of our new video series “Best Sex Life Now” by clicking here.

Sexual intimacy is one of the most powerful gifts God ever created. It was designed to bring a man and woman together in a physical, emotional and spiritual bond that would create, pleasure, intimacy and also procreation. Marriages that neglect or misuse this gift are headed for frustration and most likely, divorce. Most marriages that don’t prioritize what happens in the bedroom will usually end in a courtroom. 

I was reminded of this when some friends of mine were having a marriage crisis and headed for divorce. They had drifted far apart and felt that there was no marriage left. As a last effort, they decided to take a “30-Day Challenge” and committed to making love every day for a month. By the end of the month, their marriage was stronger and their intimacy was reignited. Their marriage had new momentum which has carried them forward. They’re the first to say that “it takes a lot more than sex to build a strong marriage, but it’s nearly impossible to build a strong marriage without it!”

The Bible even gives us specific instruction about prioritizing the gift of sex within marriage and warns husbands and wives that it’s dangerous to deny each other this gift:

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations” 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

Here are a few things every married couple needs to know about sex:

1. You should probably be having more of it.

A healthy sex life is about more than just frequency, but frequency is an important factor. I’m convinced that many (if not most) arguments in marriage stem directly or indirectly from sexual frustration. When you deny each other, you’re inviting unnecessary frustration and temptation into the marriage.

 

2. You should ONLY be having it with each other! 

It’s sad that we live in a world where I have to clarify this, but monogamy is the only way a marriage can work. Don’t look outside your marriage to fulfill your sexual needs, and I would argue that this includes porn. Bringing another person into your bed or you mind will eventually destroy the intimacy God intended sex to be enjoyed exclusively between a husband and wife. If pornography is an issue in your life or marriage, please take a minute to read “The Truth about Porn.”

3. Better sex starts with getting better in other areas outside the bedroom.

When communication is better, your sex life will usually improve, so talk, text and flirt with each other throughout the day. When you’re serving each other’s needs in other areas (Guys, this means be willing to do the dishes and help more around the house), your sex life will usually improve. When you show genuine thoughtfulness to one another throughout the day, the night is more likely to end well!

4. Don’t use sex as leverage.

In some marriages, sex (or denying sex) is used as a way to reward or to punish the other spouse. Over time, this dysfunctional practice will cheapen the power of sex, cause resentment and also erode the trust and intimacy in your marriage.

5. Have fun!

Sex is supposed to be fun, so enjoy it! As you do, you’ll find your stress levels decreasing, your laughter increasing, and a more positive outlook on life together. The happiest couples I know seem to be the ones who make a vibrant and frequent sex life a priority in their marriage.

To improve the sex, communication and overall intimacy in your marriage, check out new video series “Best Sex Life Now.” This series is half-priced now through Christmas (no code or coupon needed) when you use the “Send as a Gift” option (by clicking here) even if you’re giving as a gift to yourself! 

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For more tips and tools to build a strong marriage, please check out our new book: “Marriage Minute: Quick & Simple Ways to Build a Divorce-Proof Relationship” which is now also available on iTunes for download on iPhones and iPads.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • My husband has PTSD from being overseas since we have been married. Thank you for the information.

  • nancy reyes

    Thank you Dave Willis. True down to earth advice. We have been married 25 years and since we have followed your books, advice, and sayings our marriage has been stronger and better. I cant thank you enough. You truly are an inspiration!!

  • Sam Peters

    Great points Dave. When I do pre-marriage counseling I share many of the same points. I think I’ll be making a copy of this as a handout (with proper credit given of course). Looking forward to talking with you soon about our Relationships retreat. Keep up what you’re doing.

  • Lin

    I agree on all this b/c we are experiencing just that! Better sex is stemming from BETTER COMMUNICATION. (We’ve come a long way in that arena!) I also appreciate what we are calling our “puppy time” when we lay like puppies in the wee hours of the morning — all comfy-womfy on and around each other. It’s very sweet and cherished!

  • bill hall

    Those are 5 great reasons!

    But, what if there is a problem that can not be medically corrected?

  • Melissa

    What if your husband is 39 and impotent? I’m 33 and still have not got to feel the sexual intimacy with my husband due to his lack of being able to. Any suggestions to take away from this frustration?

  • Sundari Ramanathan

    I like what I read in this site meant for marriages to succeed. I am from India. My marriage was fixed to a man from the same community by our parents by matching our horoscopes. I had neither met nor known my husband before our marriage. My only prayer to God was that my husband should love my truly and completely…it did not matter much how handsome or not he was. I still believe beauty is more a matter of the heart, mind and soul, definitely not of the physical attributes. Unfortunately, things are not working out between us. I have been with him for 17 years, with a daughter aged 16, and we are not seeming to get anywhere. He used to watch a lot of porn material from day one into our marriage, and pass derogatory remarks at my physical being. We started drifting apart especially after my mother in law took up the full time responsibility to further drive the wedge existing between us. In fact, there has been no sexual intimacy between us in the past 12 years, immediately after his mother suggested to him that he deserved someone better for his wife. He used to even beat me and physically abuse me in the first few years. I am not going to be able to fall in love with him again.

    But yes, even today I long for a happy life with a husband who would love me and allow me to live a life of dignity.

  • Michelle Cortez

    My marriage is in some serious trouble, but my husband refuses to listen to me. Our biggest fight is about sex. He refuses to have sex, he always has an excuse. I have tried and tried for 4 long years. I’m 40 years old and he is 38. I tried showing him this story and he just rolled his eyes and was like whatever. So what’s my next step? My family says to divorce him and move on. This is my third marriage, his second. I love my husband and I don’t want to move on.

  • sharon

    I had serious issue with my husband for a couple years, I always wanted to and he would make up excuses, tootired, stressed etc.. I thought for sure he was cheating, he assured me he wasn’t and he loved me but I didn’t understand… Finally he talked with his Doc about it and she recommended checking his hormone levels! Thank God bc his levels were really low for a 35 yr old male! He’s been getting hormone replacement therapy for a couple years now and we’re as happy as ever! He felt terrible that he wasn’t taking care of me…. Now I can hardly keep up! So get your men to talk to the doctor!!

  • Ashley

    So how does this work with a 5yr old and a nursing 4mo. Old?? How do we keep this closeness if we aren’t ever alone!?

  • Christina

    My husband & I have been married 47 yrs, but we almost didn’t make it past our 15th anniversary. I did everything I knew to make our marriage work but finally left him after seeking individual counseling. I gave up & that’s when God came into the picture! Our marriage was a disaster but we called on God & He performed miracle after miracle in our hearts individually & then our marriage as we continued to seek His help. Our marriage has become a testimony of God’s grace & power & we help other marriages whenever we can. My husband was an alcoholic & into pornography. The fantasy becomes so addictive that their mate no longer satisfies. It’s a huge idol & affects at least 85% of men.

    Thank you, Dave Willis, for all that you do to help marriages. Thank you, Jesus, for the empowering grace you offer to us in every walk of life! You are the resolution to every problem we have in this life!

  • Anonymous

    This is hard to do when you have not slept in the same bed with each other in 7…almost 8 yrs because the other is an addict!!! I am scared of what diseases I may contract if I do give in! I can’t see spreading my legs for someone who no longer brushes their teeth, the ones that are left. Not taking a bath but once every two wks and also never puts on deodorant or anything that most do as a daily hygiene process. I am get nothing out of it and I wasn’t raised to believe divorce was an option. I am mentally, physically and sexually frustrated at this point. But I have stayed believing things would change!!! They are not going to, the addiction is now his partner in life and there isn’t any room for myself. Any suggestions are appreciated.

  • Jess

    There is a book called “Intimate Issues” by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus.

    read Chapter 11.

  • Amanda

    We struggled for the first year plus of our marriage to have sex. More recently sex has improved but I fail to see any change to our relationship. It still remains my fault for anything that goes wrong, I feel so alone and had thought if I could have sex with him that would bond us. Still he’ll find anything to argue about or reasons to leave and reasons to not reconcile or relationship. I’m trying to understand it all. I’m so confused, hurt and disappointed.

  • carrie burress

    I know what u mean, I’m dealing with same situation, my husband takes meds that keep him from having sex, so I can tell you to invest in a toy, get comfortable with it, and ask him if he would like to watch.

  • Amber

    That’s horrible…. I’ll be praying for you!

  • I love this article and I am going to show this to my husband later this evening. His work schedule is horrendous – he works 3rd shift, he has about 1 hour and 15 minute drive to and from work, usually works about 10 to 12 hours a day. So needless to say, we hardly have any time together – and sometimes this is six days a week.

    Communication is such an important factor in any marriage/relationship and when you are sexual with your spouse, you are bonding and building true intimacy and trust.

    I will definitely let you know what the verdict is with my husband on this! I am ALL in! =)

    In the meantime, I have read some of your comments and please don’t give up ladies. God knows all about your situation. Go to my blog link on one of my recent articles entitled “Hang on. You ARE Going To Make it.” And try to encourage your spouse to participate in the suggestions of the 30 day challenge – or at least try to start at a 7-day challenge. It may not only change your spouse, it may also change you too.

    You can find that blog post here: http://journeywithamy.blogspot.com/2014/02/hang-on-you-are-going-to-make-it.html

    Thanks Dave for all of your wonderful advice!

    Blessings,

    Amy

  • Praying for you! God never intended for you to be hurt or abused. That is a break in the covenant of marriage. God promises His people victory! “We are MORE than conquerors through Christ!”

    Get some supportive friends & family who will help you through this time. God can and will deliver you. ❤️

  • Heather

    Has he tried seeking treatment at all for his addiction?

  • Marian

    So thankful Dave Willis takes the time to help us with issues in marriage. It’s not easy, but taking time to learn, and have God in your marriage can save a lot of heartache. I can say it takes time, love, patience, understanding, and sometimes keeping your mouth shut, which is not always easy to do. Words can hurt or heal. For those about to give up, ask God for guidance, He won’t let you down. My marriage has come a long ways, but I had to allow God to help ME change.

  • Samantha

    My husband and I have trouble finding time. We have a two year old and a 6 month old who still breastfeeds and it seems like everytime we do try as soon as we get started one or both kids wake up. Its so hard because I feel like he blames me when we can’t. Any suggestions?

  • bonnie

    been married for almost 18 years- just found out my husband has had numerous affairs— i thought we were on pretty solid ground. he works alot due to his profession. i am so hurt- numb & mad…i have started christain counseling however—– what can i do?

  • Kim

    My husband was told he had low testosterone. Took the shots for about 2 months and decided his Dr didn’t know whet he was talking about. We have sex about 3 times….per year…..and I am miserable. He wouldn’t read this ( been there, tried that) and I’ve resigned myself to the idea that this is my life.

  • Brittany

    That’s all fine and I agree that sex is important. However, what is a woman to do when she was sexually abused by her father as a child, and sex is a trigger of my PTSD?

  • I really enjoyed this article; communicating and timing is everything…. I saw a Facebook post (I think it was by “MarriageWorks”) that said something to the effect of, “Don’t communicate to be heard. Communicate to connect.”

    Point being: Effective communication skills, such as problem solving vs. blame-shifting, can eliminate issues and leave time for other activities… 😉

  • Jaclyn Taylor

    Hi Ashley,

    We Were In The Same Situation…3 Yr Old And A Newborn. I Was Pumping And Feeding Him Bc He Wouldn’t Latch. All I Can Say Is Just Do It Lol OuR Children Take Priority Over Everything In Our Lives. My Husband And I Promised To Always Make That Time For Each Other…Even If Its Just For 5 Min At Times Lol Your Husband Needs To Feel That He’s A Priority As Well. I Know Mine Started To Feel Neglected After The Baby Was Born. It Takes Time To Adjust. We Have 2 Older Kids As Well 🙂

  • Penny

    My husband and I have been married for 42 years and we are more passionately in love with each other than ever! Our sex life is still very active, at least once a day. This area of our marriage has always been a high priority. Sometimes I hear older married couples say that they aren’t enjoying sex anymore and I alway wonder why? There is no expiration date on making love. Our marriage is wonderful and we praise God for this blessing!

  • John Doe

    These all seem like women asking questions, so from a man: what about when I flirt with my significant other and she acts fine over the phone or whatever but when we’re home we DO NOT have sex unless I initiate. She told me before we were together how important sex was to her and how she “needed” it and now that I’m with her she doesn’t even act interested. It makes me feel inadequate and unappreciated. And when I say something to her about it she just tells me how I’m an idiot and I obviously don’t know her.

  • Amanda

    You make time at night. 4 months is especially a bad time since that is a pretty typical age for babies to stop sleeping again, but make it a point to spend at least 5-10 minutes doing something intimate.

    My husband and I are doing the 30 day challenge right now, and it’s a bad time for us to be doing so but at the same time is perfect. We have a 2.5 year old and an exclusively nursing 8 month old. On top of that he just got out of the Army, I’m starting a new job as a permanent substitute teacher while job hunting for a real permanent job, and he is getting ready to go back to school. Oh and we just moved halfway across the country. All of that means we are stressed, exhausted, and very busy… Which is exactly why or relationship needed this so badly.

    Part of why this works is that it means that you are putting each other and your relationship above all the other things, so your make whatever time you have to spare work for you. Even if it means losing a few minutes of what little sleep you may get.

  • Joni

    My poor husband is 50 and takes meds for high BP. He wants to have sex often and bless his heart he tries, but he has problems with erections. He does his best, but it’s frustrating and a turn off. I love him and accept that sex on a regular basis is just not going to happen. Sex is important, but it’s not everything.

  • Erica

    This can be done. My husband and I have 4 children. It also helps to have a set schedule for your kids. Naps and bedtime need to be the same every night. As for the nursing baby at 4 months should be sleeping a few hours a night… I used to feel so tired all the time, but my husband and I started flirting, again, hinting, and trading each other. Sexy texts, little touches when we were crossing paths at home, little butt grabs or comments about how good the other looked, etc..those things gave me the energy and drive to want to have sex when we got even the slightest chance. There are always times when you have a moment for your spouse! Make it a priority to flirt, and do not fool yourself into thinking that there is no time.

  • Shayna

    I want to say this to all those mommas with little babies and toddlers:

    I have an 8 week old. Exclusivily breast fed son and a 3 1/2 year old son. I know its hard to make time for intamacy but its not impossible. My children have their own rooms for a reason; take advantage of that. Even if you’re only having sex for 5-10 minutes. Its much worth it. My husband and I had a hard time while I was pregnant because it physically hurt to have sex but now that we are outside of that 6 week waiting zone our lives are back to normal. I enjoy keeping up with Dave.

  • AleyD

    I can’t say that I was in your exact position, though I have many friends now who have been or are. What I can tell you is that my husband is an alcoholic/addict and used for the first 14 years of our marriage–he will celebrate 4 years clean/sober in a few days. Al-Anon has made all the difference for ME because I’ve learned to take care of myself again. I thought I was, but I really wasn’t; I’d forgotten how to prioritize my life. It took going to several meetings to find the one I am most comfortable with, however I have never walked into a single one of their rooms and not felt love, acceptance and a lack of judgement. Good luck to you.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve been married since oct and I expected to be in the honeymoon phase for more than the honeymoon.. I’m 32 my husband is 39 and we have sex maybe twice a month, if that. I know we are newlyweds and still figuring our marriage out and each other, but we are like roommates, there is no intimacy, there is no bonding, no real communication and I have a deep pitted fear that this is how it’s going to be. We make fantastic friends. Which is supposed to be a good thing, except it’s not. I love you is spit out like “take out the trash” it’s just words, an automatated phrase that’s used before leaving to work…it makes me sad and I don’t even know where to begin to heal us. I suggested the love dare, date nights, “us time”.. Nothing works.. And rarely does anything I attempt last more than a couple of days. What am I supposed to do?

    A unhappy newlywed

  • Jane Doe

    My husband and I have been married almost 13 years. We have been through hell and back and are doing so much better than ever before. I wished we still had sex like we used to. He’s taking medication that has taken his drive away. He won’t see a Dr and won’t talk about it either. I think he’s embarrassed. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t had sex in over 2 years now!! I hate it. I want to have sex every day with him and I tell him I want it, I need it, and still nothing. I’ve tried everything. I don’t know what else to do. We both want more children, we have 2 now ages 12 and 8, but I tell him I’m not the Virgin Mary. Lol. I NEED my husband!! I crave him!! So lost and hurt and lonely. What else can I do, other than “drug” him with sex drive “help”? Would that be Ok to do anyway? lol. Cause I’m tempted to do so.

  • Allie

    I’m in the exact same situation. Its really a matter of priorities. Both kids take a nap at the same time(rare I know), head straight to the bed. On a weekend have someone watch one, or both kids, even for just an hour, then spend that time together. If he works a late shift go to bed in something sexy, or nothing at all( have a bathrobe handy in case the kids need you) put on some perfume and set an alarm for about 10 minutes before he gets home. Above all communicate! Help him understand that it frustrates you also when you get interrupted, but it’s worse when you feel he is blaming you. Tell him you definitely still want it, and make an extra effort to show him. Sometimes there truly isn’t enough time for sex, but there is time for a long hot kiss. That and small suggestive touches throughout the day can make sure your both excited when the time comes, and it might make you work a little harder to find the time.

  • Robert

    I have been married 18 yrs and could not agree with u more on this except i have a major problem with ED now after finding out my wife who has always said shes not comfy with herself had no problem going to my x brother n law of at the time 18 yrs and baring it all and as he treated her like he paid for her and she told him what she wanted him to do to her and used no protection so all his partners became hers wich since i didnt know became mine so i in away had been sleeping with my sister and didnt know it how do i get past that and she never once has had actions showing. True guilt remorse or sorry for her actions i am so lost

  • ED

    I truly love this article and I sent it to my wife however I get what I always get which is the point out of what I’m doing wrong by highlighting number 3 to me. I agree that intimacy starts before the bed however when you have done flowers, lobster, favorite foods, surprise cards, flirting, foreplay etc, for about 5 to 6yrs of marriage and then you get the same boring and no priority of sex in your marriage eventually you going to stop doing those thing. The first thing is pointed out is what I don’t do. Communication is horrible. I’m like when I did that nothing changed. I’ve asked her to go to the doctors to see if there is a hormone problem or ask her doctor for something that will help with her hormones because when a woman is thirty something years old and have the desire for sex literally maybe once a week, something is wrong with that. I say that to say this started years ago even before we had our daughter. We had intercourse last night and still it wasn’t any passion in it but more so just felt like something to do. I’m happy but not as happy as I can be in my marriage. Been together for 8yrs now but can’t get through how important it is to make sex a priority. When you get in the bed and your partner begins to snore while you are rubbing her body in a sexual what, that is a turnoff. I’m great at massages but stopped that as well because that didn’t help increase the frequency nor the quality. When we do have intercourse I try to make it last long as I can because I never know when we will be together again. Still very attracted and my wife to me is very sexy but literally shut it down in my mind because I know how it ends. I would be better off sleeping with a dead person. Frustrated but love my wife but very unhappy sexually. It’s affected my health and mind.

  • susie

    My 3rd husband and I are newlyweds. we’ve been married a whole month. We have sex 4 or 5 times a day. My previous husband and I were married 12 years. We had intimacy maybe 6 times a year. I was miserable! He passed away before we could help our marriage. don’t let thw lack of sex be a reason to hate your spouse. Explain to them that it needs improvement.

  • tomika hardin

    Sounds like he’s cheating. And i’m not tryin to be mean but i’ve been on the giving and receiving end of that

  • sara

    As women, it’s often hard to explain how we are feeling, and our libido comes and goes so easily, it’s not even funny. She says “it’s like you don’t know me” because she’s expecting you to do what she wants you to do, and you’re just supposed to know what that is (but asking her what it is may just frustrate her more) instead, when you get home, do something sweet to her that might get her going, but not like you’re pushing sex on her. Play with her hair, tell her how beautiful she is, gently touch her, whatever it is that she likes, show her you want to be close by serving her. I’m sorry women are so complicated, it takes a lot of practice, I’m sure. Hang in there 🙂

  • anonymous

    My husband has the same problem he Is year younger he’s not to young to try viagra it works wonders I feel like we are in our 20’s again

  • Rachel fairly

    He says he has too much on his mind or the house needs to be cleaner. I cook fabulous meals when he’s home but he is a pilot and away a good bit of month so 30 days yeah right!! Lol. I’d rather masturbate!!

  • Brittany, you have to get counseling. Then you will need to do some therapy to get past your PTSD issues from sexual abuse. This is not something you can do by yourself. You have to work THROUGH it to get better. You also have to be able to relax and have “normal”, healthy sex with your husband if you intend to stay married to him. I wish you all the best. Make some calls and keep trying with a therapist until you find one who actually helps you.

  • jane

    Im 31, my husband is 39. Im the one never wants to have sex. I think its bc every night hr makes me feel soooo guilty if im tired or just don’t want to. He makes very hateful remarks and brings it back up thoughout the night and the next day. Theres absolutely no romance and he wants me to do things I’m not comfortable with. (things from his porn). We have a 2 1/2 yr old and 6mo old and i work on the weekends. He expects laundry done, dishes done, house spotless and dinner cooked when he gets home and so I really am tired at the end of the night. I want to want it again, but its very hard and i always feel pressured. Help?

  • Kara Lacouture

    This advise seems legitimate. My husband and I have a healthy sex life. I just need one clarification. This 30 day challenge, (where a married couple is to have sex everyday for 30 days?) What about when the woman is having her period? I know that some people do still have sex during this time. But my husband and I do not, and we are still very satisfied with our relationship as a whole. The Bible directs us to not do so as well…so there might be some sort of rearranging the 30 days..? If my husband and I were to do this any how.

  • Johanna

    What about people who are physically incapable of sex? My husband has a form of parkinson’s that causes extreme tremors during sexual activity. My best guess is the increase in endorphins causes a chemical reaction. I am in my early 30’s and am severely frustrated. I feel like I am being punished for previous sexual sins prior to the present. I have basically given up hope that there will ever be any intimacy in our marriage and we will just continue to function as roommates.

  • I have had a pretty miserable sex life since I had my last daughter about 2 years ago, until I started with Pure Romance. not only was my sex life troubling but my relationship itself, but Pure Ronance they have very effective female enhancement products that have brought my sex drive back.I always thought so, its just sex, that doesn’t make a relationship, but it plays a major role.

  • emily

    Things in my marriage are great…outside of our sex life. We laugh and love spending time with each other, rarely fight or argue. But my husband seems to have a growing anger problem for the general population of people, and even small things at home that shouldn’t be a big deal can spark anger (he has never taken it out on me or our children, instead he calmly talks it out with me, but he still shouldn’t be so angry so frequently). We’re lucky to have sex once a week, and 90% of the time, I’m the one that initiates it all. If I don’t make a move, we wouldn’t have any at all. He never turns me down, but honestly it would be nice to feel like he wanted me and didn’t comply just keep me from being upset.

    I also finally got my self a “toy” just to keep me from feeling frustrated all the time. In a way, it’s funny how he’s jealous of it, and I keep telling him how to make it disappear. I might have thought bringing that in reduced the chances of sex, but honestly, nothing changed. His wants stayed the same and I’ve just stopped pursuing him because when we do have sex it’s nothing I want just because there is an emotional aspect missing. It feels more like it’s done to get a release rather than connect. We used to argue A LOT about this specific thing a couple years ago, so he knows my worries and troubles on the subject. All I’ve been doing since I decided to stop nagging is praying for him. Not for our sex life but for him to shake whatever has a hold on him and for him to follow my son and I into church and follow Christ and rely on Him rather than being so angry. Maybe once he stops fighting and starts listening then things will improve. Til then I’ll have to settle for how wonderful it is when he cuddles me every morning.

  • sergio

    I’m a 26 year old married male..I’ve been with my wife since she was 14..she is now 25…anyways after our first son she started loosing interest in sex and now we have 4 kids and she is really distant…I feel like I force her to have sex..she is always tired always wants to sleep…she always has an excuse why she can’t have sex…what can I do…she even says that it’s if I have sex with other women…thing is..I want her not someone else

  • Jo

    Brittany, if something triggers your PTSD then let him know! One of the biggest problems is lack of communication. Tell him what does and doesn’t trigger it so he can work with you to get through it! Communication is seriously the key. And if he isn’t being open to that, tell him that too! He might not realize he what he is doing, that being the situation in my experience. He reacted coldly to what I would tell him about my past, but it was because he wanted me to know it didn’t matter and he still loved me. So his ignore it and move on was actually for my benefit and I just didn’t realize it until I communicated that with him! So open up, and if you need go to counseling and open up.to a therapist instead especially if you think it would be more beneficial!

  • Amanda

    I don’t mean to be crewed, but is your husband opposed to do things for you by oral stimulation or with his hands, or even you could show him how to use the vibrater on you. Even though his member isn’t involved it doesn’t mean he won’t find it arousing and it will still be an intimate thing for you two to share. Men are very visual so even getting dressed up, doing a little dance for him could still make him happy in that way and he would want to make you feel good.

  • Frances Clark

    OH dear one, this article is not for people in your situation!! No one is saying that sex with an addict is the answer!! This is for people who are not in addiction, who just have lost the luster of marriage. You need to be safe and being in a house with someone like this is not safe!! You need to talk to someone who is familiar with addiction and get help getting out. A separation may well be your best answer. You did not say if there were any children involved in this marriage, if so get them out!!! Give God time to work on your husband, don’t stand there as an enabling spouse!!

  • Frances Clark

    There is more to sex than penetration. Play and encourage each other, experiment with loving playful touch and kissing. Don’t let it all go by the way side because of one part not working. Lovemaking is in the brain too!!

  • Jay

    To all the men rejecting their wives. Check your self before you wreck your self.

  • Jacqueline

    Samantha, you can do this, but it will take determination on both sides. We have six kids, had two under two twice back to back, the last two are a bit further apart. Currently we have an 8 month old that won’t sleep in her own bed, and the 5 year old in the nursery right next to our room. We make time. We get up in the middle of the night, make it a quickie, get a sitter and go sit in the park (no sex but we can talk, kiss and hug). It will take an effort on both sides. Some days I get satisfied, other days he does, on a really good day both. Flirt during the day by phone or text or email (don’t get him in trouble at work with this!). Make date night a priority, find a trusted family member or friend to keep the kids once a month and go out. Make the effort, it is so worth it! 14 years and counting, happy and ready for more happy years.

  • James Tollison

    I’ve been married 30 years to a woman whom I’ve never been able to penetrate. Whether it’s physical or psychological, that’s the way it is. I can satisfy her manually, but she can’t seem to figure out how, or to try long enough, to do it for me. Maybe some people are just supposed to do without it. When she gives evidence of a need, I take care of her, but I no longer expect anything in return. And no, I have not cheated on her.

  • Kelly

    What is another way to bond as a husband and wife when her husband is serving time in prison and not being allowed to have that sexual bond as the Bible states that sex is suppose to be shared between a husband and a wife? I’m lucky to be able to hold my husband’s hands and receive a quick brief kiss from him.

  • Jessie

    My husband wants to have sex every night even multiple times a day. He has a very very very high sex drive. Me on the other had does not have a sex drive at all and I just don’t want to because I don’t have an urge too. We are both very young and newly weds. This has not made any problems in our marriage yet but I am scared it will in the future. We do not know what to do to rise my sex drive and has tried multiple things and even went to the doctors and changed my BC. Even when he came home from a 9 months deployment I did not have a sex drive. Please help because I SO wish that I had one but not sure what is going on.

  • Robert

    Most issues in this area seems to be problems with/by the men, what do men do if the problem is on the other foot? My wife and I are trying to make a failed marriage work. We have four children, our first is from her previous relationship that I have since adopted. I agree with with the importance of intamately, I have been told by my first ex-wife and now my current ex-wife that my needs are too high. I will be 48 next mont and she is 36. She says that her priority is the kids and she has been this way for years. She told me to stop sending her flowers, don’t open the door for her – she can do it herself, no cuddling on the couch watching tv, etc. theses are all the ways that men like to keep the romance going out of the bedroom. I have been feeling neglected for years; we have been involved for 11 years now. It was GREAT in the beginning but after our first child together, she turns 10 today-happy birthday darling, it all changed. My ex says that her body has changes and I should understand. I allowed myself to find pleasure in the conversation with another woman that I believed bore a child by me years ago. I had told my now ex about the other woman and she agrees tht I should try to find out if the child was mine. Long story short, I found out through a blood test that the daughter is not mine but in the process of talking with the mom and being neglected by my now ex, I grew to enjoy the talks with the mom and when the now ex found out about the frequency and amount of time we spoke, she divorced me because she said I had an emotional affair. She fails to understand that I truly didn’t set out for it to be that way but if I got the fulfillment from her that I would never have gotten so wrapped up in the conversations with the mom. She says that I am just trying to accuse her of my transgressions but doesnt understand that it was both our faults, I believe, because I felt no connection with her that I allowed myself to be connect with someone else. I don’t mean to mislead anyone. The mom and I had relations years ago but none in over 20 years. My question is if my now ex-wife tells me that she has never had to hold the hand of her partner so doesn’t feel comfortable doing it-says her concentration is on the kids or she can’t kiss me hello/good-by when we meet/depart each other, I she doesn’t think to give little touches at home or want me to kiss her neck while she is cooking or any other time, is trying to make this marriage work going to be a good thing or is it going I leave me unsatisfied and longing for affection like it has for years. I pray daily/nightly that God will give me the answer as to what He would have me to do. I don’t want my kids to be raised in a further broken home but if I can’t get her to make us/me a priority what am I to do?

  • Misty

    I have been raped repeatedly by my husband. I tell him no and he says I have to because we are married. I have been married to him for 4 years and I no longer want Sex

  • kandra

    Has he had his testosterone levels checked? This can start to decrease as early as their 20’s and make the mr unable to preform. As well as make him seem uninterested and kills the drive for sex, as well as other enjoyment.

  • kandra

    Kim,

    My husband vent the same way. It took about 6weeks(3 injections) for things in the bedroom to start looking up. Now there are definitely no complaints. He still takes the injections every 2 weeks and will probably forever. Just an fyi when a man has low T it can cause health concerns…it can also cause extreme weight gain, loss of muscle mass not to mention things that stem from them. Low T can also be a sign of prostate cancer…try to keep him taking care of him…even if you have to intervene.

  • kandra

    As a woman I would say maybe she isn’t the type that initiates it. My husband had been married for 20 years to his first. She hated sex, ace even she wanted it she would say so ace that was Italy only for a child. So he wouldn’t initiate and I felt unattractive and inturn was harder on myself. I don’t know your situation if she is a mother/housewife ect…But help her often. Was the dishes, do some laundry ect take some of the stress from.get. have date night even if it’s just renting a movie just her style and putting the kids to bed lady on the couch together…take her out on a date like before you were married…most importantly talk to her but in an “I feel ” not ” you make me feel” approach…

  • Richard

    Very valuable information and incredible how many dysfunctional marriages there are and the reason why. We humans are continually changing and exposed and even become vulnerable. Keeping the love and respect alive and active is a continual effort. Unfortunately it takes two to make it work….

  • Richard

    Yes praying for you, but also ask God for wisdom and direction. In life I have learned that there are two sides to every story or your truth and his truth and there are facts.

    However, what is impossible for us humans is not impossible for God.

  • HeartbrokenBride

    …this is taking a lot of courage to post…..

    …my husband and I are newlyweds. 2.5 months in….

    The first few days he really enjoyed snuggling, and the sex was mind blowing. But, now that he’s back at work and I’m putting together our new home, he wants nothing to do with sex. He even pushes me away when I try to snuggle…. We’re fighting non stop, and I can’t figure out what happened…

    …I feel like maybe I just made a huge mistake… That I just wasted a ton of money on a party…

    What do I do?

  • Wes

    Married or not…no means no….however… If you don’t want to have sex with him and he is raping you…get out of the marriage… It will never go anywhere good.

  • John

    I wish, from the depth of my soul, that I could show you how much your Father in Heaven loves you. He does not require you to endure this. By all means, suggest to your husband that the two of you seek counseling, prayer, fasting, but YOU MUST BE ABLE TO SAY NO, and HE MUST RESPECT IT WHEN YOU DO. If not, you are NOT obliged to stay, whether children are involved or not.

    If you can muster courage and even no more than a desire to believe, there is help and healing ahead.

    http://www.lds.org

    I wish I could do more, but perhaps this is the best.

  • Wes

    I was married for 23 years. After the birth of my daughter, my wife (now ex) forgot me and concentrated on my daughter who became the centre of her life. Sex went out the window…and we maybe had sex 6 or 8 times a year which went on for about 12 years. I have an extremely high sex drive and as the article says…denial ended up with me divorcing her. I am now happily married to a wonderful woman. We have been together for 5 years and we can still sit in bed and chat for hours. We are best friends, lovers, and partners in every sense of the word. Sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship…but it is vitally important for physical and emotional wellbeing…

  • I appreciate your ministry. Thank you for posting valuable resources and great quotes on Facebook and Twitter.

    Please check out my blog which has articles, etc. on a variety of topics including: “Marriage”, “God’s word”, “Purity”, “About Pornography”, “About Masturbation”, “Self Esteem”, and “Is Jesus the Only Way?”:

    http://www.babypinkroses.blogspot.com

  • s

    My problem is that for years my husband was into porn, and then internet chat sites, then he moved onto singles websites. We have been together almost 21 years and married almost 14 years. I would question him about why he needed to do this (the websites i found out about by being sneeky and searching out his phone). I asked him when i found phone calls to numbers and i called them, at what point does it become more then talk. He assured me that it wouldnt, and even one point I was so depressed that he said maybe we should just get divorced. I of course said no I believed that we could work through it and he said he wouldnt do it anymore. famous last words. Well my father was diagnosed with cancer and I began making multiple trips to his home to help him and to take him to doctors. I figured out something wasnt right, he was kind of hateful to me kept suggesting i leave and go stay with my dad. I during this time was informed I needed to have surgery. Of course I couldnt plan that as my father was terminal. I found out about the website during this time, and even tried to get him to chat with me. He would change his name on the site, after my father passed i had my surgery, and I was off work, it was this time that I found how he was messaging them. I found out he was having sexual relations with multiple women and when I confronted him, of course he apologized like crazy said he wouldnt do it again after he saw how hurt I was. So for about a year and a half I was just numb paranoid and of course plain sick with fear. Its been almost 2 years now since I found out and confronted him and now Im more mad and at the same time Im feeling why do I even care anymore. He feels like I should just forget about it and move on he has apologized and claims he wont and hasnt done anything since. I really feel like I woke up around christmas this year and even though I still love him and when we do have sex maybe 1X a week if were lucky I have a problem with seeing him look at me and wonder did he say these things to them?? How do you move past this how do I become happy again? we dont talk about it and havent for a long time, he doesnt want to and I should be over it by now! still hurting and i still believe in marriage and my vows, but its getting harder.

  • swtreio

    Sorry to hear that. I suggest you really think about You. Do you feel you can stay with and devote yourself to his recovery… Thru constant relapse… Theft pawning of your treasurers. All the bad? I have stayed with my wife for 15 years now…. Ain’t worth it. Its unhealthy for you. Run. There are good guys out there. Run.

  • Nikki

    Great read. May I also suggest the book Love and Respect? Best book ever besides the Bible of course 🙂

    Helped me understand what my husband needed and helped him understand what I needed. Communication is A+ in out marriage now and have a wonderful, intimate relationship. 🙂 May God bless each of you!

  • Jess

    Hmmm this was made by a man. Kinda biased, but altogether good advice.

  • crimsonred

    I just feel unappreciated..same situation with some people on here…not having intimacy in marriage is just draining the life out of me.. Just been married for 8 months. Having a long distance relationship before, he always wanting to be with me, flirting with me reassuring he loves me.did everything to be together with him, now that im here i feel neglected, always begging to make love, him having so many reasons to not doing it like hes stressed at work,hes tired.but he have energy to play video games til morning..seriously?! i feel frustrated.i dunno what to do..

  • crimsonred

    I just feel unappreciated..same situation with some people on here…not having intimacy in marriage is just draining the life out of me.. Just been married for 8 months. Having a long distance relationship before, he always wanting to be with me, flirting with me reassuring he loves me.did everything to be together with him, now that im here i feel neglected, always begging to make love, him having so many reasons to not doing it like hes stressed at work,hes tired.but he have energy to play video games til morning..seriously?! i feel frustrated.i dunno what to do..

  • Sean

    Just celebrated our 11 anniversary. Took a trip for a concert. Stayed at the most amazing B&B! We have everything in our marriage but sex. It’s so frustrating. It’s to taboo to talk about because of her upbringing and if I try to create a romantic evening it to much pressure in her. I adore my wife and have resolved to

    Live in a sexless marriage but I’m only 46 and it’s so sad to me.

  • Lyn

    For years I have been the one in my marriage to communicate, be the affectionate, loving woman, initiating the sex, doing the flirting & trying so hard to keep our marriage alive & thriving. Four years ago we went thru a lot of different situations all at once with friends, church, finances, health, etc. I became really depressed & so tired of my husband not having my back or treating me like I was his wife & lover. I ended up getting on some chat sites bc I was so lonely & frustrated. I ended up having more than one affair. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself for what I did. My husband knows about them. The issue we are facing now is he hasn’t dealt with his anger at me about what I did to our marriage. It was my decision in stepping out & nothing justifies what I did wrong. However, my spouse doesn’t see that the lack of his time, attention, communication , affection & intimacy with me contributed in any way. He has neglected & rejected me emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually from the time we started dating. He has told me that he didn’t love me & wasn’t in love with me when we got married. He said he fell in love with me later on, but the way he responded to me never changed. He has allowed his mother to say things that were inappropriate to me & told me I should just let it go & I’m the one that had to address her concerning these things. I don’t want to even be around her bc of things she has said to me. I know that me committing adultery was the wrong thing to do. I shouldn’t have walked down that path. I’m so tired of being married, but being lonely. I NEED the communication, affection, affection, time & intimacy. I can’t live with my spouse as a roommate. That’s not what marriage is. I want out bc no matter how many times I discuss this with him, nothing changes. He wants to stay married but doesn’t care anything about fixing the issues that need to be mended in our relationship. I need help. What do I need to do? I’m only scratching the surface with this comment. I don’t love him anymore & I’m not in love with him & I don’t care anymore. He doesn’t see that the years of things that he’s neglected in our marriage has had any impact on what we’ve gone thru. We’re both absolutely miserable. Help please.

  • Patricha

    Powerful… I have been married for 18 years, and my spouse and I love each other very much. Unfortunately, there is no intimacy due to his bp meds. It has been eight years, and I feel like we are roommates that do our own thing. It is heartbreaking, but it is what it is. An affair is NOT an option.

  • dave willis

    Lyn, thanks for sharing part of your story. There are a lot of issues going on here, but I believe God can bring healing and restoration to your relationship. i’m praying for you both. I’d encourage you to check out http://www.SaveMyMarriage.com

  • James

    Seems like mostly women looking at this site and making comments. I came across this while Google searching on the topic. I’ve been married 4 years and we have never had a good sex life since we got married. We had sex before we were married and then took a pre-marital class at church. After the class we decided to abstain from sex until we were married. Shortly after we made our decision we found out that my wife was pregnant. We still went forward in our decision. I prayed that even though we had pre-marital sex that God would bless our marriage so abstaining was important to me. We started fighting about sex on our wedding night. My wife was tired and didn’t want to have sex. We went to Key West on our honeymoon and fought about sex the whole time. I’m 43 and she’s 33. She has no interest in sex and does not care that it’s important to me. We have sex maybe once every 4 months, and that’s only after me threatening to leave the marriage because I can’t deal with this anymore. I turned to my pastor who keeps telling me to pray for her and love her. I’m not sure I even like her anymore. I’ve been praying and loving for 4 years but today I’ve decided that I can’t do this anymore. I’ll be leaving this marriage and my son will end up suffering because of it. Do I stay and live like this for my son or will he see how miserable and toxic this marriage is and in turn have effects from it?

  • Anonymous

    My husband and I have been married 16 years. The big white elephant in the room has been our lack of intimacy. He hasnt touched me AT ALL for 10+ years. (Not even hugs) Why have I let myself stay in this horrible situation? I tried to get him to seek help through talking and I even wrote him a letter. His testosterone is normal!! He has ruined my self esteem which in turn has hurt my health. 3 weeks ago he said he wanted a divorce which shocked me. We don’t fight and he is the one who doesn’t want sex. We are seeking counceling but I don’t think it will help. Not only does he not want me sexually but now he has said some really hurtful things to me that I don’t think I can get past.

  • GoodDad

    Patricha, it doesn’t have to be that way. Marriage is more than roommates. I’m in my mid-50s and I have ED. My sex life is better now than it was in my 20’s because of ED medications. I, too, was on BP meds. I did something about it and lost 45 pounds, exercise every day and got OFF the BP meds. I still have to take ED drugs but they are a godsend. Don’t accept an excuse and tell your husband it’s VITAL that he see a doctor about his ED situation. I’m proof that ED doesn’t have to be an issue, in fact, I’m happier now than ever.

  • S.

    Marriage counseling! My husband and I were about ready to kill each other right after we got married. Stayed that way for a while.

    His ex wife is… hum… difficult? to deal with and he fell into a depression because if her reaction to us getting married being so bad. (Many nightly harrassing phone calls, cursing me out, tarnishing his name to their son…. it was horrible). He began watching porn several times a day to ‘have something to do’ he said. He eventually decided to cut the friendship off with her, go to counceling, and stop watching porn.

    Once he made those changes, our therapist taught us how to break the cycle of arguing and fighting. He taught us how to communicate with each other in a way that fosters connecting and resolution every time. And since then, the sex has improved, is more frequent, and he even makes it a point to be intimate with me on a regular basis. Weather or not he is tired, stressed, or had a bad day.

    He is much more affectionate than he has EVER been, he is much more patient with me, and I have developed a deeper appreciation for him.

    Seriously consider counciling. It works wonders.

  • angie

    What about when your husband has low t. What do you do then.

  • dave willis

    I’d consider medication. There are many medical options.

  • megan

    What do you do when your husband absolutely refuses to have sex with you? It’s always some excuse … his back hurts, he doesn’t feel like it, he’s not intetested, etc. He won’t go to counseling and claims that there’s no problem.

  • Marcus

    I’m sad to say I’m in a broke marriage got married a year ago and I has been a serious roller coaster ride since I joined the army my wife seems to not want to do any thing to help our marriage I’ve showed her these story’s and advice but she also seems to roll her eyes what do I do were at the Virg of divorce when I get back from this deployment she thinks I’m messing around with a female soldier and I’ve assured her Im not because I can get in trouble we hardly communicate and have a good convo all I ask is a few minutes to talk and she always has an excuse what do I do

  • m

    Something that is very frustrating in articles like this is that addictions, verbal and emotional abuse of any kind are not mentioned. #3 should be number 1 and include those things. For women who deal with these issues, dishes are the least of their worries. A woman shouldn’t feel like she should give herself to someone who abuses drugs or alcohol or her sense self worth. To be intimate with someone like that causes a host of other problems. Intimacy is a part of a healthy marriage, and im sure there are lots of women out there who hold onto the men they love to honor Gods plan for marriage, and pray for their husbands everyday to be saved and released from their bondage to become the men that they were made to be. You mentioned porn in one of them which was fantastic,as men are in total denial of the destruction this causes in their wives. Your article is very true and very helpful to the couples that deal with issues you mentioned, but please, don’t forget the women who are destroyed by being intimate with someone who promises they will change, but their words are just words until the holy spirit gets them to truly repent.

  • unknown

    @ jessie, We have same problem, but my husband helped me on that, your husband can help you too, all he has to do is to bring you to mood, to even make you to beg for it bf giving you , and dont sex every day if not you may loose interest, give a day free….

  • Anonymous in Seattle

    Every Sunday I make breakfast, I quite often clean the kitchen, I sweep and vacuum several times per week, rub her feet and head every night, but we have sex maybe once every 10 to 14 days. I try to discuss my frustrations around lack of intimacy in and out of the bedroom, but I get accused of only caring about is sex. What else should I be doing? I don’t want a divorce and will go to counseling, but after 11 yrs of marriage, I don’t know if anything will change.

  • Lonely Wife

    My husband & I have been married for 15 yrs. I love my husband with all my heart, but I think he’s been cheating on me & doing drugs again. He has been sleeping in our spare bedroom for months. He doesn’t like me being affectionate with him. He tells me to get off of him or get up. He takes Viagra when we have sex, but it doesn’t really help. He is done in 30 secs & rushes me away. We maybe have sex once a month after I’ve begged him for a while. I would love for him to just hold me close & tell me that he loves me. I’ve gained about 50 lbs since we first got together. I feel like he thinks I’m fat & ugly so he’s not attracted to me anymore. I’m starving for his love, attention & affection! I’ve asked him to go to marriage counseling & church with me, but he refuses both. I just don’t know what I should do because I love him, but I’m also lonely & becoming very depressed because of this. I plan on reading this to him tomorrow when he gets home from work. I pray things will change for us. Thank you so much for posting this Dave Willis.

  • Jane

    Coming from a woman who does this often, I would say that I want my husband to initiate more often because it feels wonderful when he does. I want him to be more insistent about it because life gets crazy with kids and things going on. I also feel like he’s being the man when he initiates. I get tired of having to be the one to drag him into the bedroom and tell him I ‘need’ him. I want him to want me! And not just ‘tell’ me that in words but show me that through his actions.

  • me

    Its so hard when you don’t know how to communicate (we have both admitted) we argue all the time and we don’t have sex. Guess its really over then!

  • Terrance

    What if you wife has check out the marriage and has open the door to an affair she does want to spend time when she get off all she does is sleep. She says that she to tired or she is hot and she be seeing this guy for about a month. I am not willing to let this marriage go but tell me what can I do to help bring her back to this marriage. We have only been married 3 year we have three kids and we are both young I am 30 and she is 27. I am already pray but what else should I be doing.

  • Jacob Hensel

    He’s afraid. Deep down inside.

  • dave willis

    I’m praying for you both. I’d encourage you to check out http://www.SaveMyMarriage.com

  • Jen

    Same here, we argue all the time because i want sex then that makes us have less sex and i am just constantly frustated. Dont know what to do?

  • Tyler Bryant

    Confront your husband’s sin based on Scriptural principles given in Matthew 18. Doing this in a gentle and quite spirit(meaning humble and respectful way), while still submitting to your husband’s authority with absolution on all things unsinful can be a VERY powerful tool God can use to convict your husband of his sin against you in this sexual arena(see 1 Peter chapter 3 KJV for more details). If your husband refuses to repent of his sin against you, then according to Exodus 21:10-11 you have the right to divorce him and remarry to another man who will do his marital duty by you as God commands. God allows very few reasons for divorce and remarriage, but sexual immorality is one of them, and as a breach of the marriages covenant and a sex-related sin that is contrary to and a violation of His standards of sexually moral conduct in marriages, sexual refusal without just cause reasons of inability or by mutual consent for a time of prayer and fasting is an act of sexual immorality.

  • Tyler Bryant

    Confront your wife’s sin against you based on the Scriptural principles in Matthew 18, and bring discipline in to her life in your role as her head and spiritual authority. You are to confront her sin. See this for more details as to how you can- http://biblicalgenderroles.com/2015/05/23/8-steps-to-confront-your-wifes-sexual-refusal/